I have been thinking about circles. Concentric circles, full circles, spirals. The patterns we make in our lives. The patterns we repeat, the patterns we see which are not there, the patterns we make which we do not see.
When I went along to my first munch, not knowing what to expect, it all but blew a fuse in my mind. The place where I'd heaped my deepest, darkest, desires - firmly locked away, and then covered over with my most mildest, simplest desires, unfulfilled; the whole pushed into a forgotten room, the door locked, the signposts thrown away...suddenly thrown open to possibility.
So much was suddenly available to me, that had been hidden. I don't think I slept, ate, or made much sense, for two weeks. The munch organiser put me in touch with a potential domme - I lived for nothing but checking my emails, time after time. She showed interest, but then replies dropped off...then nothing.
I wondered if anyone would ever be interested in me. Whether I was not desirable, not wanted.
Jumping back to the present, I realise with something of a shock that those events were two and a half years ago, now. It seems longer, yet shorter. So much has changed, and yet so little.
It's quite rare that I update this blog now. When I am experiencing sadness and confusion, I write to make sense of it. I also write when I've experienced deep highs and need to make sense of what they mean to me. As time has passed, I've grown into my stability, security, and understanding, contentment, has happened without a lengthy gestation process. And sometimes I write to record particularly profound experiences. And sometimes I don't record them, due to a desire to preserve privacy, or simple lack of time.
My whole lifestyle has changed. I've got my vibe back, my mojo. In just over two years I've regained what it means to be ME. I've flourished, I've developed, I've grown. I've been through hell, and I've found my way back. I've survived.
When I first discovered BDSM, and the promise of a reawakened sexuality, I fell in love. I thought I'd fallen in love with a person, but looking back, I think it's more likely that I was in love with pain. In love with sex. In love with being awake inside, again. In love with receiving attention and interest and feeling desired and wanted.
I asked once, on these pages, if I would cut out these dark desires within me, if I were able to. At the time I wasn't sure. Now, I am. I treasure them, even though led me into danger. They've led me into heartbreak; they've led me into despair.
They've also led me home safe again. And now, following the path, my journey has come home. There will be many more journeys, many more circles within circles, but for now, the spiral rests where it started. In safety.
This is a good place, and I'm happy here.