Spiral Bound

I feel strange and unusual.

It's been quite a week. Furious row with my husband (R). I wonder more and more whether he can cope with me seeking the fulfilment of my needs outside our marriage. He says he can, but...I'm greatly concerned. I feel a weight of guilt and selfishness on me, but how else can I go forward? I have a high sex drive and I both want and need BDSM in my life; he has a low sex drive and finds BDSM bizarre and repulsive. I view sex as life enhancing, beautiful, energising, transformational; he views it as akin to putting together an ikea flat-pack e.g. lots of faffing about trying to get the right bit in the right hole, not being able to read the instructions right, and wishing you could just give up, go off and get a cup of tea, and get someone else to do it for you.

We made up and have been very close since. He says everything will be okay, and I thought so too. Went out to the Eastbourne munch on wednesday night. Drank far too much but had a huge amount of fun, in fact it was the first time I'd had fun since my last relationships ended, having a great time instead of just going through the motions. Probably making a complete twat of myself, but at least I had a good time.

Saturday night I had a great time, too. A long time ago (or it seems like a very long time ago - in reality just a few months back) when I was new and didn't know myself or my limits well, I played with a friend of mine and nearly fainted in a club because I didn't safeword when I should have done. It was pretty awful and both myself and R were quite upset.

I haven't played with him since until now. We went to Club Punishment and he topped me - I was very frustrated and dying for some play, and I also wanted to close that circle, to prove to myself how much I've learned and grown since that other time with him. He was brilliant and did exactly what I needed him to do - we agreed beforehand that he would push me until I safeworded; which is exactly what happened. It was great and we both felt very happy and content afterwards. I had flirty naughty fun and it was just a really good evening.

Then yesterday, I went off to the U-35 munch, and R went off to the first of the new poly group meet-ups. As I grow happier and my confidence returns, I'm regaining my social gregariousness and joie de vivre. I had fun at the munch but then, realising I'd forgotten my bank card and having drunk all my pennies, I sallied forth into the night to steal some money from R. I rang him and asked if it was ok, and offered to meet him outside the pub, not wanting to interfere with his evening, but he invited me to come in and when I arrived, suggested I get a drink. I was filled with energy and excitement still (and cider) and hung around for half a pint like an exuberant whirlwind of hyperactive puppies, jabbering nine to the dozen excitedly and being all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

This morning, something very unusual happened. R pounced on me in bed - I was quite stunned and should have been pleased, but something felt...wrong. There was an air of urgency and desperation about the sex.

Then later today, we were chatting online, and he said he felt really odd and small, boring and old in comparison to me. That I was glamorous and exciting, and he was not. Which makes me so frustrated because it's A) not true and B) I don't know how to make him see that and C) I want to enjoy my new-found energy, not feel bad about it because it's hurting him.

What frustrates me is that as my confidence and energy and happiness grows, as I become more fulfilled - this seems to make him feel bad, like I'm out-shining him somehow. There was a time when I felt I could heal his emotional wounds with my body, by cuddling or having sex; this time, it seems to have made things worse. I feel like I should have been able to make him feel more of a man. There have been long periods of time in the past when I felt very much less-than-shiny on the inside. I think part of him likes me being like that, because it's not threatening. I think I frighten him when I'm looking and feeling my best. When I dress up and go out of an evening, either with or without him, he often won't cuddle me like he normally does, he finds it a bit intimidating. I hope for a compliment from him but never get one - he prefers me when I'm all untidy and scruffy looking and the worse I look the more he prefers it. How can I stretch myself and become everything I can be, without damaging him? How can I enjoy my renewed confidence and energy and passion about life, without making him feel dull and boring in comparison?

I KNEW I should have kept my gob shut if I went into the pub. Maybe I undermine him somehow? Or make him feel small and insignificant?

I feel as if the ground is shifting underneath my feet, like I'm taking a leap of faith and I don't know whether I'll land on earth or quicksand. I feel uncertain and confused, and very, very alone. I'm really quite frightened.