Friday 11 December 2009

Instinct and Experience

Some thoughts on the usefulness of gut instinct, and experience...

I have extremely limited experience sexually, and with BDSM, with means I need to rely heavily on my gut instinct to guide me, plus common sense. It's the sort of arena you can get in quite a tizzy with, if you're not careful. And recently, I haven't been careful. Or perhaps I've been too careful?

And there's the rub.

I'm such a dominant persona in my everyday life. I am used to sorting things out, taking charge, fixing things, being in control and up front. I present myself as very self-possessed and will voice my opinions confidently. This can give people the impression that I actually know what the fuck I'm doing, which quite frankly, is bollocks. I'd emerge from an airlock covered in cat hair and biscuit crumbs, I'm so clumsy I'm always covered in bruises which I've given myself by blundering into things, and I flounder from one cock-up to another. I just hide it well.

Okay, so a bit of background first. This is all a bit TMI, but frankly, that's just a character trait in Impworld. Apparently there's this thing called 'private' but I've never had much use for it it...

I met my husband when I was 19. Before that, I'd had 3 male lovers, all in relationships, but it was pretty much fumbling around in a teenage fashion. My first chap - he should have known what he was doing, as he was a lot older; but he really didn't. My second - he was a virgin. My third - he'd had a shag once before but apart from that was all virginy too.

So then we have 14 years of vanilla sex in my marriage, with my darling and beloved husband who has an incompatibility with me in the area of libido. I've probably had under a dozen shags in the last decade, with him. I've given a hell of a lot of blow-jobs though!

Oh - plus a bit of drunken lezzing up with mates in the meantime.

Then - BDSM and BLIMEY, explosion time. So since february I've had a bit more drunken lezzing up, two experiences of longer-term interaction with women, including lots of new sexual experiences, and regular casual play with a man which developed into a far deeper relationship than I originally intended, and became very sexual, with my hard limits changing week by week, and some very rude and saucy stuff indeed happening. But no actual fucking as such, with him.

But that's the lot. I'm also, more importantly, EMOTIONALLY inexperienced, particularly with men, when it comes to non-platonic interaction. I've had a wonderful, comfortable, easy, patient partner for 14 years, and I haven't got a fucking clue how to deal with people who aren't like him.

So - minimal experience, so I'll go on my gut instinct and common sense which combine together to make judgement. But where does good instinct depart from other emotions which can be mistaken for a gut reaction? Fear, anxiety and so on - these can also be triggered by a word, sound, sight of something, perhaps it reminds me of an ex, or maybe I'm reading more into a sentence than really exists.

I am attracted sexually to people who make me uncomfortable, uncertain, afraid. I adore being abused, consensually. How do I make good judgements about who is a wanker and will fuck me up, and triggers my gut instincts, and people who are genuinely good, kind, are compatible with me sexually (i.e. want to do the nasty things to me that I want them to do), but trigger my uncertain, fear-based reactions?

I think my instinct is normally pretty good - but how to be sure I'm listening to my instinct, and not my fear? When I first met R, all those years ago, he was the WORST kisser I'd ever known. I decided not to follow it up because of that. But then we got to know each other as friends and I fell for him, and it didn't matter that he was crap. But my instinct in some ways was right - we were and are sexually incompatible. On the other hand, having him in my life is incredible, wonderful, and I wouldn't change a thing.

The three people I've had relationships with over the last year, since discovering BDSM; 2 triggered 'this not good' instincts which I ignored. But the other one didn't. And they all ended horribly and I ended up disastrously hurt, as did the other participants, to a greater or lesser extent.

I'm in the market for someone(s) new in my life at the moment. Something preferably not a one-off, although that too will be considered under the right circumstances. Regular, but relatively casual, where we both say outright what we want, and get it - that will keep me ticking over in the meantime. But ultimately I want someone(s) exceptional, someone who understands my needs and theirs, who can make me want to give up, give in, to them. A dom, for want of a better word, that I can submit to, in a loving relationship, who will beat the shit out of me and fuck me senseless. Someone who passionately desires to hurt me and fuck me and isn't afraid to take what he wants, when he wants.

But avoiding another relationship disaster is paramount, right now. And avoiding putting myself in danger, that too would be kinda handy.

Conclusion - fucked if I know. Answers on a post-card please?

In other news, R is going out on sunday to meet a lady he met at the poly meet-up the other day. I really liked her, so fingers crossed!

In other, other news, my cat has chewed through my phone charger and completely fucked it up, just on a day when I really need my phone and I ran all the batteries down gossiping last night. HurRUMPH.

In other, other, other news, my libido has kicked into turbo gear mode. Now, okay, this is not uncommon, but what a waste! Today I have a blind date with....a completely platonic new friend. (Female, straight, vanilla).

In other, other, other, other news, the town had a pretty fog hanging over it this morning, like something out of a painting. Exciting!