Can I go on doing this?

I’m really worried. My husband, R, is so down at the moment. It’s very unlike him, although he does get like this occasionally from time to time. And I’m worried that what I’m doing is contributing to that.

We’ve talked, and talked, about whether he’s comfortable with me doing what I’m doing. He knows everything, but he doesn’t like getting detailed descriptions, so we’ve agreed and discussed limits and balance of time and so on, many times, but I don’t give him a blow by blow breakdown of what or who I’ve been doing.

The simple fact of it is that, having had a pretty quiet life for the last couple of years, up until six months ago, my life is really taking off, I’m discovering myself, becoming fulfilled, and having a bloody good fun time recently. I was so pleased and happy because he seemed to be using this to rejuvenate his own life, too…he’s been doing loads more socialising and activities recently including a couple of really exciting things like a sword tournament in scotland and a parachute jump.

But currently, he’s got nothing immediately on the horizon, and he’s feeling very low and anticlimactic. He’s worried about money, worried about the new job which he’s been promised but is on hold until an unspecified time in the spring, which considering it’s been an 18 month process of applying for it, going through tests and so on, and then finally getting the job offer but waiting on a start date since early summer, is not really surprising. He’s having a difficult time from his bosses in his current job, and the new job will solve that, plus it’s more money, which means more resources for fun activities etc etc etc.

So I know he’d still be feeling like this if I was sitting at home feeling miserable with him. But the fact that I’m swanning off here there and everywhere having a super time, must rub it in a bit, and that makes me feel sooooooo guilty. Am I emasculating him even further by going off and having fun in bed with other people, without him?

We’ve talked about it and he’s said I shouldn’t feel guilty, that once the new job starts he’ll be fine, and I know he’s very resilient and will bounce back quickly…but….I just feel so guilty still/ It’s a fact that I am essentially contributing to his feeling bad by my actions. Now, I know in my sensible self that it’s up to him to sort himself out, that my self-fulfillment shouldn’t be put on hold so I can sit around and iron his shirts in sympathetic misery, but but but but I’m hurting him by having fun while he isn’t. That makes me feel sick and anxious and bleugh. Am I damaging his self-image? I know it makes him feel a bit like the bloke who stays at home looking after the cats, who is boring and unglamorous, while I’m going off having wild sex and play with exciting people who are giving me an amazing time. I’m lavishing him with reassurances and we’re going on holiday in a week’s time, which will be a wonderful opportunity to spend time together, and I’m hoping that will sort him out. How can I make him understand how much I ADORE him and want him to be happy? And that my having fun doesn’t mean I value him any less?

ARGHHH! This whole emotional pendulum swing this is doing my head in. A friend reckons R’s suffering from his own version of drop, due to adrenaline withdrawal. And I have known R be like this before when his job is making him feel crappy. But I love him so much, and his pain is my pain. He feels bad, I feel bad. And an element unique to me, is that while if I feel sad, it might make him feel sad too, he doesn’t feel responsible for it. Whereas when R is unhappy, I feel deeply that it’s my duty to make him happy again, and if I don’t, then I’m failing him.