Early steps

[I corresponded with a few women before I found the person with whom I wanted to put theory into practice. Here’s some more extracts from emails I wrote to potential dommes, exploring my thoughts on what was happening to me.]

Thankyou for your memo. I am having trouble writing this reply because I`m not sure where to start. I have so many things I want to ask. I might just start blundering into my questions and hope for the best (my normal approach to life, anyway ;-))

I read your memo and your profile carefully. Some of it excited me - some of it alarmed me. Does it matter if I don`t think I like pain? I don`t know yet whether or not it arouses me…the only experience I`ve had was a drunken consensual beating from my friend after she boasted of the days of yore when she helped out a pro domme. She did her best, but it didn`t do anything for me sexually - it just HURT and I didn`t like it at all. Do you think that means I can never enjoy pain?

[edited to add - ha ha HA! If only I KNEW!]

I am just dipping my toes in the water. I may well go to a club in London next month with a friend who knows about BDSM but am very unsure about going from not having ANY experience to being an exhibitionist in public.

I know how much the thought of submission excites me - but what do you get out of this sort of activity? I can`t really see it from the other point of view, and am having trouble imagining what you could possibly get enjoyment-wise from something that…and please forgive if this sounds impertinent…basically involves being kind-of mean acting.

What I`m getting at here is- do you REALLY enjoy it? Because what turns me on is the idea that someone is actually turned on by topping me. I sort of feel as if anyone who wanted to do that to me would be indulging me/doing me a favour, and doing it to please me, not themselves.

[That was something I really struggled to get my head round, and I think it came from a total lack of desire to dominate in myself, and therefore a difficulty in understanding what anyone else could get out of it. Also, I’d spent years seeing sexual activity as something that someone else might give me as a favour, not out of any real desire to interact with me, and my sexual confidence was almost non-existant.]

First Steps

[These are some extracts taken from an email I wrote, after going to my first munch in February. Someone I met there put me in touch with a domme, S, and I poured my heart out by email, there was so much ready to be said, things I’d been yearning for, I was like a pool of water that someone had just dumped a load of baking soda into, fizzing and exploding and unable to return to my former stillness.]

Thanks for getting in touch. Crikey, it’s difficult to know where to start! Well, first of all, let me tell you a bit about myself so as to start discovering whether we find each other appealing. I’m 32, bi female, have long blonde dreadlocks, an hourglass, rather voluptuous figure, and am a kind of lapsed goth.

My loving family and friends are the centre of my life. My husband, R, is aware and happy for me to explore my sexuality, as long as I don’t overstep certain bounds e.g. making out with another man.

I am bombarded with requests to help people all day, and when I go home, I am running the household, sorting out problems, and generally being in control of what’s going on. And that’s fine, I like it that way - I like helping people, I get great pleasure from small acts of kindness to others, and making people happy is important to me. I can be a bit bossy, rarely lose my temper, but if backed into a corner I’ll fight back. I’m fundamentally a gentle natured person, though.

I’m pagan, and mainly express this through the way I treat others, and becoming the best person I can possibly be. The word used most often to describe me is ’sweet’ - although I’m working on that - I’d prefer ’sultry’!

I consider myself a work in progress - I think I probably know myself pretty well, and although my life so far has not always been plain sailing (has anyone’s?) I’ve got minimal emotional baggage.

I’ve had some great experiences in my life, I treat anything I’m afraid of as something to be pursued until I’ve subdued it….had drunken fumblings with pretty girls…

…and yet…

there is a part of me that longs to be treated firmly but gently, bent to another’s will, and I’m not just going to roll over for any person who tells me to - that person’s got to be pretty special and able to earn my respect. I can’t remember the last time someone kissed me thoroughly and with expertise…er….or at all…

I’m normally so sure of everything in my life - and thought I’d had a fairly wild life and was fairly unshockable. When you hang around with a bunch of filthy minded goths, you think you’ve seen it all. Hah! I went along to a munch with a friend of mine, A. That was an eye-opener, and no mistake! I found myself feeling very uncertain, unsure of the correct etiquette, embarrassed about admitting to the
fantasies and needs I have. Too shy to say that what I wanted was someone to choose ME rather than the other way round - to flirt with ME and respond to them with trembling, wide-eyed breathlessness. For an experienced woman, sexually dominant, to take me home and use me, bind me, perhaps command me despite initial resistance to further and deeper levels of perversion…to lose my hard won control…to be
vulnerable…

[I never did get to meet up with S. She was very busy at the time and missed the window of opportunity in which I was looking for a one-to-one play with a single female.

Here’s an extract from an email I sent to my friend A, which is quite indicative of my state of mind, at the time]

I’ve had no reply to either messages, and am just thinking…did I do something wrong? Or is this some sort of weird domme thing, to make you wait ages for an answer? I sent a picture - maybe she just doesn’t think I’m pretty…Only..ever since sunday, I’ve thought about nothing else. I’m even off my food and sleep, which for me, is nothing short of an Event!

I feel as if a door which has been closed my whole life, has suddenly opened, and I’m on the verge of tasting something so life enhancing and wonderful but at the same time, is about to slip out of my fingers. Is this normal, to feel so intensely about it?

Please forgive this if I am being a pain in the ass asking these questions, only I feel a bit lost in the wilderness, and don’t have anyone else to ask for advice. What if I never find anyone who can help me meet my needs? I am also a bit drunk and would normally never email you like this, but I’ve just come back from the pub! Sorry!

[Fortunately A, and a lovely chap, G, who I met at the munch, kept me on the straight and narrow and stopped me from freaking out TOO much.]