Posts
OR How I Got It Right and What I Learned From It
I went with N and friends to Club Twisted on sunday, and as a result, I felt like the pussy who creamed on monday (oh no, that's not quite right, is it?
First though, a bit of background. Okay, so I've got to have this annoying operation in a week's time. It involves a general anaesthetic and the removal of an area of skin and flesh at the bottom of my spine, and it'll be a few weeks until it's healed up. Due to the nature of the op, it's notoriously painful (which I can handle), and may leave a nasty looking scar, the size of which could be tiny or could be large but I won't know which it is until after the operation.I'm a bit emotional about it, if I'm honest, but it's one of those things that's got to be done. There are some things about it in particular which are fucking me off.
A) The idea of lying naked with my arse in the air on an operating table, unconscious, while people do disfiguring painful things to me while I can't stop them, makes me want to scream and run for the hills. Do. Not. Want!
B) the scar will be very fragile for a while and it'll be an uncertain number of weeks until I can have play on that whole area. Grrr! Just as I'm discovering this wonderful, fulfilling joy of being given a bloody good old beating on my bum, I have to stop for a bit! Argggh!
C) the scar will have to heal from the bottom up and may look horrible and huge. I'm so self-conscious about my body in a play situation that I honestly don't know how I'm going to feel about playing in public, or playing with anyone other than N, afterwards. Maybe it'll be a tiny scar, and I'll feel fine. Maybe I'll accept it and love my body no matter what it looks like. I just don't know. But maybe I won't want anyone to see, maybe it will change the way I feel about public play altogether. Just thinking about the way it might look makes me feel sad and very, very unsexy. And yes, I know that's grossly superficial and vain. But it's how I feel
So - how do I deal with A, B and C? Go and ask for something very painful to be done to my bum while I AM conscious and while I CAN stop it!
I asked N beforehand if I could have really hard play. I felt like I needed the release, the emotional intensity, as a way to channel my tension and fear. We went in a group to club Twisted, with some really lovely friends of N who I've met before. We spent some time chatting and socialising, and meeting some great, interesting people (like the man who ate his own finger, the TV with bum cheek implants, and the pussycat lady who made me do Automatic Cat Response - OMG lookatthecutepusscat!!!) before we played. There was something a little intimidating about the layout of the club, and I felt a bit uncomfortable, but we both felt we'd waited long enough and had to have it NOW even though the fire performance was going on at the same time. We were in a room made from fabric, which sectioned off the space, and N cuffed me to a metal version of the St Andrews Cross.
I was wearing a burlesque style corset, stockings, very high boots, ruffle pants, and nothing else, so she didn't even need to pull my skirt up to start playing. She gently pulled down my knickers and began. She knew exactly what I needed, and after a quick warm-up, she moved on to the hurtiest section of the toybox. Occasionally she would come to the front of the cross, and I couldn't resist forcing my lips on hers - she looks so beautiful with that expression of power on her face. I kissed her angrily, playing at hating her, in reality loving her, totally immersed in the moment, the pain, the intensity, the emotional and physical rush.
I was a little inhibited though, as I needed a good shout and scream, but felt it would be rather poor form to do this whilst the fire performance was going on. The last thing you need when you're swinging a flaming sword around your head is an unexpected noise distracting you! Also, as our scene wound down, I wanted - needed - to release the emotions by crying, but I just couldn't, not in this space, not in this unknown place in front of unknown people.
As N uncuffed me, my legs turned to jelly, and we went to sit down and recover. I craved physical touch, I wanted her arms around me. She tore herself away to get me a drink, and I reattached myself like a limpet to the nearest available kind hug-provider. Sound was phasing in and out - the strangest sensation. The noise was muffled and at a distance, almost as if I was wearing earplugs, or in the next room. Then suddenly it would seem startlingly loud. Then muffled again.
N returned and we sat where I could get right into a proper cuddle. I practically crawled into her lap, and closed my eyes as everything seemed too bright and shiny. I wanted HER touch more than anybody else's at that moment, it was absolutely RIGHT that she be next to me, feeling her skin, smelling her smell, hearing her voice. She says that my face changes completely after a play - that all the muscles relax, even the tiny ones around my mouth and eyes. I've noticed that she always looks even more incredible to me, after we've played, and wonder if her face changes too, or if it's my emotional state in relation to her that makes her seem so literally adorable.
I was cold so snuggled into her velvet jacket. It took me about an hour and a half to completely come round, before I felt able to stand up without falling over or shivering. And guess what I was angling for very shortly after that? Yup! Another go!
This time we used the cross on the main floor. I had a few moments of EEK! Run for the hills! because it was next to the stage, brightly lit, and with the seating arranged like a roman amphitheater around it, which made me feel a bit 'Oh my GOD, here's my ARSE everybody, why don't you just shine a SPOTLIGHT on it' but at the same time, if you're going to play in public, you at some level enjoy the audience, so you might as well have a large one, right? I'm perfectly capable of feeling multiple conflicting emotions at the same time, thankyou very much!
N cuffed me in, and began all over again, but with less of a warm-up as I was still relatively prepared from earlier. It was at the back of my mind to ask her for a less hard play, as I was still not 100% recovered from our previous scene, but I didn't, and I guess I must have known I really wanted to play hard again. N went easy on me, but because I was sore from the first session, it hurt like hell! Despite my best efforts, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and swore like a motherfucker. It's wonderful that she doesn't mind being called a bitch under those circumstances because she knows she can make me suffer for it.
I'm not sure how long it lasted as it passed in an eye-blink for me. We were close to finishing when I felt the early sensations of fainting, and said 'N...I feel funny'. 'What kind of funny?', she asked. 'Faint funny' I said, and so she immediately uncuffed me and helped me over to a sofa where I lay down with my feet up to help the blood run back to my head.
Did you see what I did there? I detected the early signs of something undesirable happening, let N know, and we stopped! Go me! I really have learnt something from my experience at Guilty Pleasures! If I'd needed to, I would have safeworded, but because N knows me so well, she stopped the scene right there. I'm still getting the whole safewording area sussed, and I'm not confident I could have pulled off the same trick if I'd been playing with someone other than N, but at that time and place, I Got It Right. Go Team!
I lay down until I felt less sick, faint and breathless. N got me a drink, while I snuggled with a lovely Dom we met earlier. He was soooo nice to cuddle with. I really liked his vibe as he had a lovely quiet authority - very non-showy and not in-your-face. I find it satisfying on quite a basic level to be around alpha males who are so confident in themselves that they don't need to be making a song and dance about it, but you feel they are trustworthy.
My N came back and I re-limpetified myself to her. The club was closing and so I scraped myself together and limped out to the taxi. When we got back to our friend's place who had kindly offered to put us up for the night, there suddenly seemed to be about a hundred people in the house, all noise and brightness and shiny colours. Arrrgh. It was a bit much, so I bolted upstairs to bed, where I fell asleep in about two seconds.
The next day I felt like I had the Worst Hangover In the World, which, considering I didn't have any alchohol, made me feel quite annoyed. This was compounded by collecting a friend from Lakeland on the way back. There's nothing worse than pushing your way through a crowd of chavs in a shopping mall when you've had three cups of tea and no breakfast. It must have been even worse for N, as she was driving and couldn't just feebly close her eyes and pull her sunglasses on.
When we got back to N's house, she gave me what I think was probably the best, and certainly the noisiest, orgasm I've ever had. Followed by a short spanking session which has thoroughly converted me to hand spanking. 'Whack! - groan, smack! - moan, Whack! - ahhhh, Smack! - ooooooohh'. Her poor neighbour next door must have been wanking himself inside out to the sounds coming through the wall.
I can't even begin to describe how satisfied I felt after the weekend's fun. I felt - and still feel - fulfilled in places I never knew existed!
I'm going to Sweet Torments on saturday, and even though I can't sustain much bruising, certainly not on my bottom, due to the operation coming up - I'll lap up any sweet release my darling N sees fit to allow me.
Wednesday 27 May 2009
Monday 25 May 2009
And crashing down again…
[an extract from an email to Ness, I’d forgotten how tumultuous my emotions were in those first few months, reading this brings it all back again. This was shortly after I’d found out I had to have a fairly major operation at the start of June, and after I found out it had become necessary to cancel some of the play clubs we were planning on attending just before my op.]
…but hey - there always seems to be some reason or another why it’s a bad idea for me to pause, catch my breath, and try to reflect on stuff going on in my head so I can try and share it with you. There never seems to be a good moment to find a moment for self-reflection. But there’s stuff that needs to come out, and it might as well be now as any other time since there’s always so much going on in our lives as we plough hectically along.
I just want to try and make some sense of my experiences, my emotions, and I want you to be a part of that. There are so many thoughts and feelings tumbling around I feel as if I’m going slightly mad. I’ve gone on such an emotional rollercoaster over the last couple of months. Two months ago I was staid, sensible, ‘those crazy rock and roll days are behind me now, I don’t stay out after 10pm, not at my time of life, but hey in my day I knew how to party’. Sane, sorted, wise friend, provider of good advice, a warm and generous person to be relied upon to care about and care for those people who mattered to her - and even those that didn’t. Putting others first, in touch with her feelings. Knows herself well. Stable, minimal emotional baggage, have worked through it all in my time, thankyou. Duty first, committed absolutely to my family, my work. Responsible - can absolutely be relied upon to do what she says she’ll do.
Then - within a month - I’m rediscovering energy I haven’t had since my early twenties. I’m being grossly irresponsible - staying out late, burning the candle at both ends. I’m not putting the energy or emotional commitment into work that I was previously. I’m getting so wrapped up in what I’m doing, I’m forgetting to text R, forgetting my phone, not letting him know I’m safe, not paying him enough attention. But I’m having the most wonderful, fun time. I’m feeling as if I’ve got the wisdom of my thirties and the enthusiasm and energy I remember from the twenties. I’m enjoying going out socialising again, I’m making new friends every day, I’m taking pride in my appearance. I’m trying new things and enjoying them more than I ever dreamed of. I’ve having FUN for the first time in a very long time. I’m beginning to feel attractive for the first time in a very long time. I feel…INTERESTING. I’ve got a secret, and it’s very exciting. Everyone notices. I’m losing weight - I’m sleeping less - I’m moving differently and holding myself with pride. I’m having a really, really good time. I’ve met someone special. I’m falling in love.
I’m looking at the future, and for the first time in years, it looks appealing. I’m looking forward to things with excitement. I’m leaving work on time - or if I stay late, it’s because I’m IM’ing YOU, not because I’m working overtime and stressing about leaving before I’ve finished what I need to do. Or staying working overtime because R’s out/ won’t be back for a few hours, and I simply have nothing better to do. Instead, I’m rushing off, filled with excitement, looking forward to an evening spent meeting new people, or going out with you, or just going home and enjoying the peace because I’ve got other things to compare it with - I’m not just spending yet another evening on my own in the house, alone with the cats.
I’m changing, my life is changing. I feel adrift, not sure who I am. I feel clingy and needy and I don’t like it. You’ve broken down my defences, one by one, and I’m now incredibly vulnerable. All the layers of armour, all the walls that protect the fragile, over-sensitive self I hide away from everyone but R - they’re breaking and falling apart, and I feel as if I am, too. I’ve destroyed relationships before through being too needy, too fucked up, and I’m scared of it happening again. I could hold myself together far better - put some of the armour back, keep the walls up, but it’s difficult. Do I want to? Do you want me to? I let you hurt me until I sobbed with pain. If I put some of the walls back around my soul again, I’ll never be able to experience that release again - I wouldn’t let myself cry in front of you. I’m horrified by the idea that you might stay with me out of pity.
What I’m saying doesn’t invalidate the fact that you are going through a whirlwind, emotions upside down, big thing too. You’ve got loads of changes going on in your life, you’ve just as much going on as me. So please know that I acknowledge that, I’m just taking a moment out to think about how I’m feeling about things.
I’m fighting a passionate urge to withdraw from you so you can’t hurt me, you can’t crush the fragile butterfly emerging from this new me. Part of me wants to return to who I was before I ever met you, before I ever discovered the scene or anything else, and just carry on with my boring, reliable life. And yet more than this, more than anything, I feel this deep need to be with you - to move past this stage and get to the next, where I’m more settled, secure in your love, and you are secure in mine. I want to spend every free moment with you. But I can’t - for all sorts of reasons - and I’m going to get to spend even less time with you than I thought I would, this month. Perhaps I’m a hopeless optimist, but something in me believes that once all the layers of defences are finally scoured off, burnt away, then you’ll wrap my soul in fluffy, warm things, and I’ll emerge as something more beautiful than I ever was before. In the meantime though, I seem to be a complete bloody mess and if I can get through the day without crying, it’s a bloody miracle.
I don’t know. I just want to get back some equilibrium. I want everyone to be happy. I want to spend as much time as possible with you without pissing R off. I want to not go mental again. I want to not have this operation. I want to not have it during my busiest month at work. I want you to cane me until I cry again. I want that a lot. I don’t expect you would realise, but sunday would have been the last chance for us to play before my operation - in that way, at least. I think I told you yesterday - I am craving it. I see long hours, weeks, months, stretching out in front of me with little to look forward to, a lot of pain and stress, and not much to mitigate against that.
I don’t want to be behaving like this, I’d rather have a bit of dignity, but having voluntarily made myself vulnerable in so many different ways - risking rejection from meeting new people, all the socialising I’ve been doing (new people might hate me, I might offend people I’ve met and am spending time with), going out in public in short skirts, outfits that say ‘yeah, I wouldn’t wear this if I didn’t think I looked good (setting myself up for people thinking / telling me that I don’t look as good as I think I do), letting people see my body, my reactions, in public when I play (they might be disgusted, unimpressed, think badly of me) when I express my sexual desires, talk dirty, text you, email you, write about my adventures and my fantasies (might sound stupid, might be laughed at, might get reaction of disgust, disapproval, disbelief), shared my thoughts, my past, my music, my memories, my feelings, my body with you (whole bucket of ways I could be rejected by you, there). I’ve been so brave. It’s been so hard. Guess I see my time with you as a reward for that.
…but hey - there always seems to be some reason or another why it’s a bad idea for me to pause, catch my breath, and try to reflect on stuff going on in my head so I can try and share it with you. There never seems to be a good moment to find a moment for self-reflection. But there’s stuff that needs to come out, and it might as well be now as any other time since there’s always so much going on in our lives as we plough hectically along.
I just want to try and make some sense of my experiences, my emotions, and I want you to be a part of that. There are so many thoughts and feelings tumbling around I feel as if I’m going slightly mad. I’ve gone on such an emotional rollercoaster over the last couple of months. Two months ago I was staid, sensible, ‘those crazy rock and roll days are behind me now, I don’t stay out after 10pm, not at my time of life, but hey in my day I knew how to party’. Sane, sorted, wise friend, provider of good advice, a warm and generous person to be relied upon to care about and care for those people who mattered to her - and even those that didn’t. Putting others first, in touch with her feelings. Knows herself well. Stable, minimal emotional baggage, have worked through it all in my time, thankyou. Duty first, committed absolutely to my family, my work. Responsible - can absolutely be relied upon to do what she says she’ll do.
Then - within a month - I’m rediscovering energy I haven’t had since my early twenties. I’m being grossly irresponsible - staying out late, burning the candle at both ends. I’m not putting the energy or emotional commitment into work that I was previously. I’m getting so wrapped up in what I’m doing, I’m forgetting to text R, forgetting my phone, not letting him know I’m safe, not paying him enough attention. But I’m having the most wonderful, fun time. I’m feeling as if I’ve got the wisdom of my thirties and the enthusiasm and energy I remember from the twenties. I’m enjoying going out socialising again, I’m making new friends every day, I’m taking pride in my appearance. I’m trying new things and enjoying them more than I ever dreamed of. I’ve having FUN for the first time in a very long time. I’m beginning to feel attractive for the first time in a very long time. I feel…INTERESTING. I’ve got a secret, and it’s very exciting. Everyone notices. I’m losing weight - I’m sleeping less - I’m moving differently and holding myself with pride. I’m having a really, really good time. I’ve met someone special. I’m falling in love.
I’m looking at the future, and for the first time in years, it looks appealing. I’m looking forward to things with excitement. I’m leaving work on time - or if I stay late, it’s because I’m IM’ing YOU, not because I’m working overtime and stressing about leaving before I’ve finished what I need to do. Or staying working overtime because R’s out/ won’t be back for a few hours, and I simply have nothing better to do. Instead, I’m rushing off, filled with excitement, looking forward to an evening spent meeting new people, or going out with you, or just going home and enjoying the peace because I’ve got other things to compare it with - I’m not just spending yet another evening on my own in the house, alone with the cats.
I’m changing, my life is changing. I feel adrift, not sure who I am. I feel clingy and needy and I don’t like it. You’ve broken down my defences, one by one, and I’m now incredibly vulnerable. All the layers of armour, all the walls that protect the fragile, over-sensitive self I hide away from everyone but R - they’re breaking and falling apart, and I feel as if I am, too. I’ve destroyed relationships before through being too needy, too fucked up, and I’m scared of it happening again. I could hold myself together far better - put some of the armour back, keep the walls up, but it’s difficult. Do I want to? Do you want me to? I let you hurt me until I sobbed with pain. If I put some of the walls back around my soul again, I’ll never be able to experience that release again - I wouldn’t let myself cry in front of you. I’m horrified by the idea that you might stay with me out of pity.
What I’m saying doesn’t invalidate the fact that you are going through a whirlwind, emotions upside down, big thing too. You’ve got loads of changes going on in your life, you’ve just as much going on as me. So please know that I acknowledge that, I’m just taking a moment out to think about how I’m feeling about things.
I’m fighting a passionate urge to withdraw from you so you can’t hurt me, you can’t crush the fragile butterfly emerging from this new me. Part of me wants to return to who I was before I ever met you, before I ever discovered the scene or anything else, and just carry on with my boring, reliable life. And yet more than this, more than anything, I feel this deep need to be with you - to move past this stage and get to the next, where I’m more settled, secure in your love, and you are secure in mine. I want to spend every free moment with you. But I can’t - for all sorts of reasons - and I’m going to get to spend even less time with you than I thought I would, this month. Perhaps I’m a hopeless optimist, but something in me believes that once all the layers of defences are finally scoured off, burnt away, then you’ll wrap my soul in fluffy, warm things, and I’ll emerge as something more beautiful than I ever was before. In the meantime though, I seem to be a complete bloody mess and if I can get through the day without crying, it’s a bloody miracle.
I don’t know. I just want to get back some equilibrium. I want everyone to be happy. I want to spend as much time as possible with you without pissing R off. I want to not go mental again. I want to not have this operation. I want to not have it during my busiest month at work. I want you to cane me until I cry again. I want that a lot. I don’t expect you would realise, but sunday would have been the last chance for us to play before my operation - in that way, at least. I think I told you yesterday - I am craving it. I see long hours, weeks, months, stretching out in front of me with little to look forward to, a lot of pain and stress, and not much to mitigate against that.
I don’t want to be behaving like this, I’d rather have a bit of dignity, but having voluntarily made myself vulnerable in so many different ways - risking rejection from meeting new people, all the socialising I’ve been doing (new people might hate me, I might offend people I’ve met and am spending time with), going out in public in short skirts, outfits that say ‘yeah, I wouldn’t wear this if I didn’t think I looked good (setting myself up for people thinking / telling me that I don’t look as good as I think I do), letting people see my body, my reactions, in public when I play (they might be disgusted, unimpressed, think badly of me) when I express my sexual desires, talk dirty, text you, email you, write about my adventures and my fantasies (might sound stupid, might be laughed at, might get reaction of disgust, disapproval, disbelief), shared my thoughts, my past, my music, my memories, my feelings, my body with you (whole bucket of ways I could be rejected by you, there). I’ve been so brave. It’s been so hard. Guess I see my time with you as a reward for that.
Wednesday 20 May 2009
The first time I played so hard I cried from pain
To really explain this little episode, I have to go back to the night before, at the LAM after party. This was my second go on LAM, and I just could not get my head round what a different experience it was, for me. I just had *such* a great time, with - for once - minimal conflict. My first LAM was terrifying, intimidating, liberating, devastating...this LAM was relaxed, fun, full of pleasure and new found confidence and new experiences and all things scrumptious which I just want to put into a little box in my brain marked 'stuff to look at when life is boring and I want a naughty little thrill'.
Equipped with a new pair of black ruffle knickers bought for me by N, who insisted I show them off to everyone, my bum received a preposterous amount of attention that night. I'm very ambiguous about that part of my body, which I've always perceived to be far too large and sticky-outy to be attractive. In my thirties, I'm starting to come to terms with it, and so I'll show it off if I'm feeling loved and wanted. It seems to get quite a lot of compliments which go a long way towards mitigating my 'does my bum look big in this?' neurosis. Having said that, my body confidence is a very fragile thing, and I'll not be coming out of the toilets any time soon if I think someone's made a nasty crack about me. Pass the tissues under the door on your way out, I've used up all the loo roll crying. Yes, I can do the social confidence thing, and pull off the act pretty well, I hope. When I'm feeling welcomed and liked, I blossom. When I feel people are judging me and finding me wanting, I curl up and withdraw. I've got minimal body modesty normally, and will quite happily throw off my clothes and pad about naked in most situations, given half a chance. Unless it's a situation in which I think people are judging my attractiveness, a sexual situation, in private or public. It's at that point I need to really fight to overcome my shyness and allow myself to enjoy the opportunity despite feeling very vulnerable.
So I guess what I'm saying is - this LAM round, I was in my happy place, felt comfortable and with people who made me feel good about myself and whose company I really enjoyed, and so it was that much easier to get my bum out for perusal.
N played with me on the St Andrews Cross. She cuffed me to it at the wrists and ankles and we had quite a hard play, which I enjoyed every second of. At one point, S popped up in front of me and grinned - she is one hell of a woman! I didn't know whether I wanted to spit in her eye or scream like a girl, so I settled for blushing and hiding my head against the frame. There are very few women who can make me blush and duck my head, of whom N is first and foremost but S pulled it off twice that night!
God, what it is about that cross that just turns me on so much? It must be my favourite piece of equipment so far. I can feel myself going Very Wrong with anticipation even before I'm cuffed to it. And being cuffed to it is part of the fun - how else am I going to struggle so much without the cuffs? I'll tell you what though, they make these things for tall people, not for little shorties like me. It's a good thing I like a nice high platform boot because otherwise I'd never be able to reach the restraints! They need to think about making them a bit sturdier, too - I nearly toppled it over a few times, which is going to end in tears one day - and not nice sexy crying tears either, more like 'oh fuck I've broken my leg' tears.
I love it so much that I wanted another go after I'd recovered a bit, and so my lovely friend A was kind enough to oblige, since N was busy gossiping (sorry, discussing important matters of state...). She's the first woman apart from N that I've played with in public, and as she's first and foremost me old mucker, it was slightly wierd at first. Good though! She's such a softie that every time I went 'ouch!' she came round and cuddled me and checked I was okay. Bless her. It wasn't long before she got into her sadist mode, and that was fun. She'd picked up a lovely new flogger that she used on me and the funniest bit was where she said 'you do realise I'm flogging you to Enya, don't you? I suppose we lose all our goth points for this'. I laughed so much I nearly had to safeword! Then she carries on with 'you should think yourself lucky - I once flogged someone to the sound of Chris D'Burgh. And made them recite the lyrics'. Some people are sick - just SICK!
The evening was topped off with a lovely young lady getting an OTK spanking with her head in my lap. Crikey.
Anyway, the point of all this rambling is to explain that I had quite an impressively sore bottom the next day, and slept in a treat after a couple of pretty hard plays. The plan was to get up, and go off to a festival day nearby. Didn't happen though, mostly because I'm such a slapper even two nice hard goes on being tied up and beaten weren't enough for me, and I gave N the ole' big eyes routine and so, after 5 large cups of tea and 3 breakfasts, I found myself grabbed by the scruff of my neck and put firmly over the sofa while N experimented with her quirt.
I was wearing nothing but a pure silk kimono, and bent over on my knees with my head against the back of the sofa, and my bruised bottom up in the air. I've been so surprised at how I respond to being beaten - I should have got over the shock by now - but I was still taken aback by my reaction as I moaned little pain whimpers and noises of pleasure, all at the same time. I made increasingly loud pain sounds for N as she hit me where I was so sore already. Her hand on my head, above me, pressing me down. As the pain increased, I started crawling further and further into the sofa and away from the toy hurting me. She would stop and say 'Imp. Get back here. Now'. I would whimper and reluctantly moved back into the right stance. I began curling up into a ball - she stopped me with her voice and her hand on the back of my neck. By the end, each stroke hurt so intensely I couldn't help but cry out, and keep crying out for moments afterwards as the shock and pain from each blow took time to fade. She somehow knew this was the right time to push my limits, that I needed it, wanted it, before I even knew that it was what I needed and wanted.
As we finished, for the first time as an adult, I cried with pain, without holding back, and the purity of release was blissful. She held me, and comforted me, and slipped her hand between my legs. 'Imp!' she cried, in tones of shock. 'You really enjoyed that, didn't you?!'
Afterwards, I felt obscenely tired, and worn out just from climbing the few stairs to bed. I slept, and then for several days after I was headachey and cold, very tearful and oversensitive, achey and sad. And very hungry all the time, too. I don't know how much this was related - it may have been more connected to the fact that I started my period a few days later (two weeks earlier than expected). I also craved, and still crave, a repeat of the experience. If I could have it again right now, I would do. Want. Need. Must have - NOW!
Hmmm, I'm going to Club Twisted this weekend. *starts practicing big eyes and wobbly lip*
Equipped with a new pair of black ruffle knickers bought for me by N, who insisted I show them off to everyone, my bum received a preposterous amount of attention that night. I'm very ambiguous about that part of my body, which I've always perceived to be far too large and sticky-outy to be attractive. In my thirties, I'm starting to come to terms with it, and so I'll show it off if I'm feeling loved and wanted. It seems to get quite a lot of compliments which go a long way towards mitigating my 'does my bum look big in this?' neurosis. Having said that, my body confidence is a very fragile thing, and I'll not be coming out of the toilets any time soon if I think someone's made a nasty crack about me. Pass the tissues under the door on your way out, I've used up all the loo roll crying. Yes, I can do the social confidence thing, and pull off the act pretty well, I hope. When I'm feeling welcomed and liked, I blossom. When I feel people are judging me and finding me wanting, I curl up and withdraw. I've got minimal body modesty normally, and will quite happily throw off my clothes and pad about naked in most situations, given half a chance. Unless it's a situation in which I think people are judging my attractiveness, a sexual situation, in private or public. It's at that point I need to really fight to overcome my shyness and allow myself to enjoy the opportunity despite feeling very vulnerable.
So I guess what I'm saying is - this LAM round, I was in my happy place, felt comfortable and with people who made me feel good about myself and whose company I really enjoyed, and so it was that much easier to get my bum out for perusal.
N played with me on the St Andrews Cross. She cuffed me to it at the wrists and ankles and we had quite a hard play, which I enjoyed every second of. At one point, S popped up in front of me and grinned - she is one hell of a woman! I didn't know whether I wanted to spit in her eye or scream like a girl, so I settled for blushing and hiding my head against the frame. There are very few women who can make me blush and duck my head, of whom N is first and foremost but S pulled it off twice that night!
God, what it is about that cross that just turns me on so much? It must be my favourite piece of equipment so far. I can feel myself going Very Wrong with anticipation even before I'm cuffed to it. And being cuffed to it is part of the fun - how else am I going to struggle so much without the cuffs? I'll tell you what though, they make these things for tall people, not for little shorties like me. It's a good thing I like a nice high platform boot because otherwise I'd never be able to reach the restraints! They need to think about making them a bit sturdier, too - I nearly toppled it over a few times, which is going to end in tears one day - and not nice sexy crying tears either, more like 'oh fuck I've broken my leg' tears.
I love it so much that I wanted another go after I'd recovered a bit, and so my lovely friend A was kind enough to oblige, since N was busy gossiping (sorry, discussing important matters of state...). She's the first woman apart from N that I've played with in public, and as she's first and foremost me old mucker, it was slightly wierd at first. Good though! She's such a softie that every time I went 'ouch!' she came round and cuddled me and checked I was okay. Bless her. It wasn't long before she got into her sadist mode, and that was fun. She'd picked up a lovely new flogger that she used on me and the funniest bit was where she said 'you do realise I'm flogging you to Enya, don't you? I suppose we lose all our goth points for this'. I laughed so much I nearly had to safeword! Then she carries on with 'you should think yourself lucky - I once flogged someone to the sound of Chris D'Burgh. And made them recite the lyrics'. Some people are sick - just SICK!
The evening was topped off with a lovely young lady getting an OTK spanking with her head in my lap. Crikey.
Anyway, the point of all this rambling is to explain that I had quite an impressively sore bottom the next day, and slept in a treat after a couple of pretty hard plays. The plan was to get up, and go off to a festival day nearby. Didn't happen though, mostly because I'm such a slapper even two nice hard goes on being tied up and beaten weren't enough for me, and I gave N the ole' big eyes routine and so, after 5 large cups of tea and 3 breakfasts, I found myself grabbed by the scruff of my neck and put firmly over the sofa while N experimented with her quirt.
I was wearing nothing but a pure silk kimono, and bent over on my knees with my head against the back of the sofa, and my bruised bottom up in the air. I've been so surprised at how I respond to being beaten - I should have got over the shock by now - but I was still taken aback by my reaction as I moaned little pain whimpers and noises of pleasure, all at the same time. I made increasingly loud pain sounds for N as she hit me where I was so sore already. Her hand on my head, above me, pressing me down. As the pain increased, I started crawling further and further into the sofa and away from the toy hurting me. She would stop and say 'Imp. Get back here. Now'. I would whimper and reluctantly moved back into the right stance. I began curling up into a ball - she stopped me with her voice and her hand on the back of my neck. By the end, each stroke hurt so intensely I couldn't help but cry out, and keep crying out for moments afterwards as the shock and pain from each blow took time to fade. She somehow knew this was the right time to push my limits, that I needed it, wanted it, before I even knew that it was what I needed and wanted.
As we finished, for the first time as an adult, I cried with pain, without holding back, and the purity of release was blissful. She held me, and comforted me, and slipped her hand between my legs. 'Imp!' she cried, in tones of shock. 'You really enjoyed that, didn't you?!'
Afterwards, I felt obscenely tired, and worn out just from climbing the few stairs to bed. I slept, and then for several days after I was headachey and cold, very tearful and oversensitive, achey and sad. And very hungry all the time, too. I don't know how much this was related - it may have been more connected to the fact that I started my period a few days later (two weeks earlier than expected). I also craved, and still crave, a repeat of the experience. If I could have it again right now, I would do. Want. Need. Must have - NOW!
Hmmm, I'm going to Club Twisted this weekend. *starts practicing big eyes and wobbly lip*
Tuesday 12 May 2009
To submit or not to submit, that is the question...
I had a strange old experience last night, which has left me feeling kind of icky. I realised this morning, having slept on it, that part of the reason I feel squicked is because it's probably the most meaningless sexual encounter I've ever had, with people who I've not built up a connection with, who I don't even really fancy.
Which begs the question (which R put to me this morning), why on earth did you do it then?
Well, it's complicated (what ISN'T?). I initially approached BDG and MN in the context of wanting to get to know them - possibly for more than just friendship. As my understanding of my own desires and limits grew, I realised that being double dommed/ topped was a big fantasy of mine and something I wanted to make happen in reality. I started to wonder if they could be this couple as they were the first pair who I'd met who were interested in that, who I respected and could trust to respect me, and I liked as people. This was slightly hindered by the fact that I didn't actually fancy them that much, but then I'm often surprised how attractive I find people after time, once a bit of flirting and building of a connection has gone on, who I didn't find attractive initially. I had hoped that maybe something could develop.
I offered myself to MN for her rope practice, as I knew she was looking to do this. I went over there a month ago, and we had a discussion beforehand about what was and wasn't okay. I was self-conscious about taking my clothes off, but wanted to, in order to get into the spirit of things and fully enjoy the rope bunnying. She suggested introducing an element of play rather than it being all matter-of-fact rope practicing, to help reduce my embarrassment factor. I agreed, and so it started by being sensual and slow with her, with kissing and touching and nice things, and progressed onto BDG coming into the room later. He only touched me in order to help with the ropes, and I was comfortable with that. I enjoyed it, but in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, it didn't rock my world, and I was okay with it being a bit of fun, because it mostly felt like mucking about, not anything too serious or important.
There were things I wasn't entirely happy with, though. I told her beforehand I didn't want her to touch my pussy, and during play she did lightly touch me a couple of times there. I didn't say stop though - and the reason for that is complicated and I'm going to think/ write about that in a minute. She did say afterwards, 'I was a bit naughty, but I think you wanted me to' and I suppose I kinda did at the time, but what I want when I'm turned on and tied up is different from what I want in the cold light of day, and as I see it, it's the dominant's job to stick to the limits even if the sub is gagging for it, if the the domme's been plainly told 'no, I don't want you to do that', beforehand. Perhaps others see it differently though - after all, there is the whole 'pushing limits' thing etc etc, it's quite complicated this old business, isn't it? It's a fine line, we tread, sometimes...
I was unable to say afterwards, in reply to her 'I think you wanted me to' comment, that I wasn't happy, that I wished she hadn't. Again, I'm going to think/ write about why this might be, this in a bit.
I was ambivalent about playing with them again, but overall I did have a positive experience, and with an operation coming up in a few week's time, was keen to cram in as many positive play experiences before then. Also, and this is key - I want to please people. I know they wanted me to come over and play again, and I wanted to make them happy, because they've been nice to me.
Yes, I know I know I know. It's not like N hasn't told me a million times I don't owe people anything, and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. It's a character flaw of mine. I'll work on it.
I arranged to go over there last night, and I was under the impression that it would be a similar experience to the one before. We had a brief chat beforehand, but didn't discuss what sort of form play would take, or limits, apart from BDG asking if he could take some photos which I would then be able to look at and delete on the camera if I wanted to.
It started off quite slow and I was okay with that. Then things moved fairly quickly. Their domming style - at least with me - is that she directs the action, and although he's co-domming, she's the top dog. I'm happier with that than I would be if BDG was in charge. I did start to feel quite 'not happy' when they put a collar on me, but held my tongue because it's a fine line between genuinely 'stop that, I'm not okay with it' and being gently pushed into things which are not comfortable for you. MN's domming style is to do the thinking for the sub - 'you're thinking for yourself again, aren't you', she'll say. 'Let me do the thinking for you, just relax, I'll look after you'.
Once I've opened up that side of my personality, once I start to submit, it's very difficult for me to stop without a REALLY good reason. I can't just switch it on and off.
I started to get more and more moments of OMG OMG OMG I'n naked in a room with two people and they're doing THINGS to me and I don't even know them properly and they're not even my friends. We're aquaintances, and I'd like to be friends with them, but we're not yet. It didn't feel like practicing my religion, engaging in a physico-spiritual experience, just kind of icky.
I've always thought that guilt and ickiness were big turn ons for me. Last night I learned that, while they might be, in the right context, or with the right person, or in my fantasies, they certainly weren't last night. I stopped enjoying things once I started feeling really guilty.
I had a blindfold on, and I was thinking, hang on - is that HIS hand? Is he touching my breasts? Cos that is a hard limit which R and I have agreed - I won't let another man touch my knockers. And I was trying not to think, as instructed, but but but....
Then later, when I could see, I opened my eyes and yes, he was. I wasn't really thinking coherently at this stage, but I didn't enjoy him touching me, I felt really guilty, I should have said something earlier but I can't say anything now, etc etc etc. I wish this would stop now and I could just go home. Just relax and try and enjoy the bits you can enjoy, I said to myself.
I also felt uncomfortable with some of the things MN was doing. I didn't mind her stroking my clit, but I didn't want her fingering me - that's for N only, right now, and I barely know MN anyway. Plus - I've got my period, and there was no way I wanted to discuss that beforehand.
So I tried to indicate my wiggling away, and she kept trying every now and again but mostly respected it, but I couldn't relax, what if she did it all of a sudden? But I couldn't say out loud, don't do that. I kept making my 'not happy' frown face (not on purpose I might add), and every time I did, MN would say to BDG, 'that's not such a pretty face, is it?!' then when I relaxed she'd say 'that's a much prettier face'. She'd said to me the first time we played, in our pre-play discussion, she feels as if she's failed if someone has to use their safe word, because she's not reading them well enough. All these things contributed to my 'not letting people down, wanting to please' state of mind.
MN was using the hitachi wand on me, and the physical sensation combined with the weird head-space meant I could have had an orgasm - but I resisted and didn't, because I only want N to have that. I opened my eyes and realised BDG was holding the wand on me, and I was really, really not happy with that. I didn't explicitly say beforehand, you're a man, you can't hold a vibrator on me, and it was sticking to the letter of my 'a man can't touch my pussy' limit, but not to the spirit of it. But you can't go through ALL the millions of possibilities in discussion beforehand, saying whether or not they're okay, can you? Anyway, I semi-safeworded at that point (semi because she doesn't actually USE proper safewords) and we very quickly wound down.
I felt so guilty, and the reality dawned that I'd have to tell R that I'd broken the promise I'd made to him that I wouldn't let another man touch my breasts. I felt sickened to my stomach and I was shaking so hard it was actually making me feel freaked out. I lay down on the sofa because I felt faint.
MN sent BDC out of the room and we discussed what had gone wrong. She said I definitely hadn't told her that BDG touching my breasts would be a hard limit, and I am sure that's true. I know she read my profile carefully, and she thought she understood what I was looking for. She blamed herself for not checking carefully, and we talked about how it was very hard, a fine line to tread between respecting people's limits and pushing them. I take full responsibility because I should have explicitly outlined what was, and what wasn't okay. I also should have safeworded earlier, but this seems to be a really difficult thing for me.
I thought, once I talked to R, and told him what happened, I'd feel better. And I did - too an extent. He was marvellous - he really came through for me. He totally understood how it had happened, and he was even empathising for BDG and feeling sorry for him! Bloody hell, he's just great, just bloody great, I am so lucky.
I also needed to speak to N, as I had some guilt there too - I felt I'd gone further with MN than I should have, as if I was cheating on N, and I needed her to know what happened. Even though that was all in my head and couldn't be further from the truth - N might not in an ideal world want me to play with others, but I know she doesn't want her feelings on that to affect what I do, limit my journey of exploration. N knew that I'd gone there to play, but I needed to talk to her about what had happened.
I thought once I'd done those two things, in that order, that I'd feel fine, but actually - I didn't. I feel anxious and with a sort of low-key panicky feeling today that could develop into a big one if I'm not careful. I will coast through the rest of the day, keep my blood sugar stable as much as possible, try and chill out, write this entry to help me think, get an early night, avoid upsetting/ stressful trigger factors today.
Lessons wot I have dun learnt from this experience:
1) always always always explicitly explain my limits. At least twice. And in writing.
2) if I really can't get my head around safewording early enough, then change the situations I play in:
3) for a while at least, if I'm going to play with any unknown quantities, specifically couples or men, only do it either at a club (where I go less deeply into the d/s dynamic), or if it's in private, N to be present. I've discussed this with her and she's going to look after me. Honestly, I don't know why I don't bloody well just give up on playing with anyone else, it always seems to go tits up (except with A, which was a laugh) BUT it's all experiential learning and nothing actually really bad or traumatic has happened, even during the not-so-positive experiences.
4) While I'm still keen to try the couple thing again, this has made me really wary. I realise that the pre-play stuff is almost as important to me as the play - the flirting, the 'will we won't we', the chase. The building of a connection and a feeling that I care about these people and they care about me. Play as an expression of affection for each other.
5) MN and BDC's style wouldn't be my cup of tea even if I did fancy the arse off them. They're not rough enough, they don't yank me about, I want more physical throwing about to be involved rather than piss-arsing about with ropes and complicated knots. This is the sort of stuff you learn during that build up period.
I had planned to go to club XS with them on friday, but this morning I emailed them and said thanks but not thanks, and explained I don't want to play with them again, although I'd like to keep in touch as friends.
I got a bit of an upsetting email this afternoon from MN saying that I hadn't been honest with them, and that's when things can go wrong. I don't know how she felt I hadn't been honest, but I can't help but feel I've fucked things up.
Which begs the question (which R put to me this morning), why on earth did you do it then?
Well, it's complicated (what ISN'T?). I initially approached BDG and MN in the context of wanting to get to know them - possibly for more than just friendship. As my understanding of my own desires and limits grew, I realised that being double dommed/ topped was a big fantasy of mine and something I wanted to make happen in reality. I started to wonder if they could be this couple as they were the first pair who I'd met who were interested in that, who I respected and could trust to respect me, and I liked as people. This was slightly hindered by the fact that I didn't actually fancy them that much, but then I'm often surprised how attractive I find people after time, once a bit of flirting and building of a connection has gone on, who I didn't find attractive initially. I had hoped that maybe something could develop.
I offered myself to MN for her rope practice, as I knew she was looking to do this. I went over there a month ago, and we had a discussion beforehand about what was and wasn't okay. I was self-conscious about taking my clothes off, but wanted to, in order to get into the spirit of things and fully enjoy the rope bunnying. She suggested introducing an element of play rather than it being all matter-of-fact rope practicing, to help reduce my embarrassment factor. I agreed, and so it started by being sensual and slow with her, with kissing and touching and nice things, and progressed onto BDG coming into the room later. He only touched me in order to help with the ropes, and I was comfortable with that. I enjoyed it, but in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, it didn't rock my world, and I was okay with it being a bit of fun, because it mostly felt like mucking about, not anything too serious or important.
There were things I wasn't entirely happy with, though. I told her beforehand I didn't want her to touch my pussy, and during play she did lightly touch me a couple of times there. I didn't say stop though - and the reason for that is complicated and I'm going to think/ write about that in a minute. She did say afterwards, 'I was a bit naughty, but I think you wanted me to' and I suppose I kinda did at the time, but what I want when I'm turned on and tied up is different from what I want in the cold light of day, and as I see it, it's the dominant's job to stick to the limits even if the sub is gagging for it, if the the domme's been plainly told 'no, I don't want you to do that', beforehand. Perhaps others see it differently though - after all, there is the whole 'pushing limits' thing etc etc, it's quite complicated this old business, isn't it? It's a fine line, we tread, sometimes...
I was unable to say afterwards, in reply to her 'I think you wanted me to' comment, that I wasn't happy, that I wished she hadn't. Again, I'm going to think/ write about why this might be, this in a bit.
I was ambivalent about playing with them again, but overall I did have a positive experience, and with an operation coming up in a few week's time, was keen to cram in as many positive play experiences before then. Also, and this is key - I want to please people. I know they wanted me to come over and play again, and I wanted to make them happy, because they've been nice to me.
Yes, I know I know I know. It's not like N hasn't told me a million times I don't owe people anything, and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. It's a character flaw of mine. I'll work on it.
I arranged to go over there last night, and I was under the impression that it would be a similar experience to the one before. We had a brief chat beforehand, but didn't discuss what sort of form play would take, or limits, apart from BDG asking if he could take some photos which I would then be able to look at and delete on the camera if I wanted to.
It started off quite slow and I was okay with that. Then things moved fairly quickly. Their domming style - at least with me - is that she directs the action, and although he's co-domming, she's the top dog. I'm happier with that than I would be if BDG was in charge. I did start to feel quite 'not happy' when they put a collar on me, but held my tongue because it's a fine line between genuinely 'stop that, I'm not okay with it' and being gently pushed into things which are not comfortable for you. MN's domming style is to do the thinking for the sub - 'you're thinking for yourself again, aren't you', she'll say. 'Let me do the thinking for you, just relax, I'll look after you'.
Once I've opened up that side of my personality, once I start to submit, it's very difficult for me to stop without a REALLY good reason. I can't just switch it on and off.
I started to get more and more moments of OMG OMG OMG I'n naked in a room with two people and they're doing THINGS to me and I don't even know them properly and they're not even my friends. We're aquaintances, and I'd like to be friends with them, but we're not yet. It didn't feel like practicing my religion, engaging in a physico-spiritual experience, just kind of icky.
I've always thought that guilt and ickiness were big turn ons for me. Last night I learned that, while they might be, in the right context, or with the right person, or in my fantasies, they certainly weren't last night. I stopped enjoying things once I started feeling really guilty.
I had a blindfold on, and I was thinking, hang on - is that HIS hand? Is he touching my breasts? Cos that is a hard limit which R and I have agreed - I won't let another man touch my knockers. And I was trying not to think, as instructed, but but but....
Then later, when I could see, I opened my eyes and yes, he was. I wasn't really thinking coherently at this stage, but I didn't enjoy him touching me, I felt really guilty, I should have said something earlier but I can't say anything now, etc etc etc. I wish this would stop now and I could just go home. Just relax and try and enjoy the bits you can enjoy, I said to myself.
I also felt uncomfortable with some of the things MN was doing. I didn't mind her stroking my clit, but I didn't want her fingering me - that's for N only, right now, and I barely know MN anyway. Plus - I've got my period, and there was no way I wanted to discuss that beforehand.
So I tried to indicate my wiggling away, and she kept trying every now and again but mostly respected it, but I couldn't relax, what if she did it all of a sudden? But I couldn't say out loud, don't do that. I kept making my 'not happy' frown face (not on purpose I might add), and every time I did, MN would say to BDG, 'that's not such a pretty face, is it?!' then when I relaxed she'd say 'that's a much prettier face'. She'd said to me the first time we played, in our pre-play discussion, she feels as if she's failed if someone has to use their safe word, because she's not reading them well enough. All these things contributed to my 'not letting people down, wanting to please' state of mind.
MN was using the hitachi wand on me, and the physical sensation combined with the weird head-space meant I could have had an orgasm - but I resisted and didn't, because I only want N to have that. I opened my eyes and realised BDG was holding the wand on me, and I was really, really not happy with that. I didn't explicitly say beforehand, you're a man, you can't hold a vibrator on me, and it was sticking to the letter of my 'a man can't touch my pussy' limit, but not to the spirit of it. But you can't go through ALL the millions of possibilities in discussion beforehand, saying whether or not they're okay, can you? Anyway, I semi-safeworded at that point (semi because she doesn't actually USE proper safewords) and we very quickly wound down.
I felt so guilty, and the reality dawned that I'd have to tell R that I'd broken the promise I'd made to him that I wouldn't let another man touch my breasts. I felt sickened to my stomach and I was shaking so hard it was actually making me feel freaked out. I lay down on the sofa because I felt faint.
MN sent BDC out of the room and we discussed what had gone wrong. She said I definitely hadn't told her that BDG touching my breasts would be a hard limit, and I am sure that's true. I know she read my profile carefully, and she thought she understood what I was looking for. She blamed herself for not checking carefully, and we talked about how it was very hard, a fine line to tread between respecting people's limits and pushing them. I take full responsibility because I should have explicitly outlined what was, and what wasn't okay. I also should have safeworded earlier, but this seems to be a really difficult thing for me.
I thought, once I talked to R, and told him what happened, I'd feel better. And I did - too an extent. He was marvellous - he really came through for me. He totally understood how it had happened, and he was even empathising for BDG and feeling sorry for him! Bloody hell, he's just great, just bloody great, I am so lucky.
I also needed to speak to N, as I had some guilt there too - I felt I'd gone further with MN than I should have, as if I was cheating on N, and I needed her to know what happened. Even though that was all in my head and couldn't be further from the truth - N might not in an ideal world want me to play with others, but I know she doesn't want her feelings on that to affect what I do, limit my journey of exploration. N knew that I'd gone there to play, but I needed to talk to her about what had happened.
I thought once I'd done those two things, in that order, that I'd feel fine, but actually - I didn't. I feel anxious and with a sort of low-key panicky feeling today that could develop into a big one if I'm not careful. I will coast through the rest of the day, keep my blood sugar stable as much as possible, try and chill out, write this entry to help me think, get an early night, avoid upsetting/ stressful trigger factors today.
Lessons wot I have dun learnt from this experience:
1) always always always explicitly explain my limits. At least twice. And in writing.
2) if I really can't get my head around safewording early enough, then change the situations I play in:
3) for a while at least, if I'm going to play with any unknown quantities, specifically couples or men, only do it either at a club (where I go less deeply into the d/s dynamic), or if it's in private, N to be present. I've discussed this with her and she's going to look after me. Honestly, I don't know why I don't bloody well just give up on playing with anyone else, it always seems to go tits up (except with A, which was a laugh) BUT it's all experiential learning and nothing actually really bad or traumatic has happened, even during the not-so-positive experiences.
4) While I'm still keen to try the couple thing again, this has made me really wary. I realise that the pre-play stuff is almost as important to me as the play - the flirting, the 'will we won't we', the chase. The building of a connection and a feeling that I care about these people and they care about me. Play as an expression of affection for each other.
5) MN and BDC's style wouldn't be my cup of tea even if I did fancy the arse off them. They're not rough enough, they don't yank me about, I want more physical throwing about to be involved rather than piss-arsing about with ropes and complicated knots. This is the sort of stuff you learn during that build up period.
I had planned to go to club XS with them on friday, but this morning I emailed them and said thanks but not thanks, and explained I don't want to play with them again, although I'd like to keep in touch as friends.
I got a bit of an upsetting email this afternoon from MN saying that I hadn't been honest with them, and that's when things can go wrong. I don't know how she felt I hadn't been honest, but I can't help but feel I've fucked things up.
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