Safely in Fear/ Fear in Safety

One of the most bizarre things about my sexuality, that I've only been able to acknowledge/ explore/ come to terms with, during the last year, is how I sexualise uncomfortable emotions.

Fear - not always of course, because I'm afraid of a lot of stuff, although no-one would ever guess, and a lot of the time it's just that: Fear. But put me in a space where I feel frightened by someone I find attractive, and that becomes very sexual, very quickly, for me. The thrill, the dangerous, the 'you are a BAD MAN'; I want you to hurt me, frighten me. Perhaps it's because I'm so 'full-on'; I intimidate people sometimes without at all wanting to. If I feel someone can not only stand up to that, but inspire the feeling in me of being intimidated instead of the other way round, that delicious feeling of having the tables turned on you becomes hot as fuck.

Uncertainty - the people who bring this out in me, who make me get flustered, blushing, embarrassed and confused. Maybe it's a control thing - I'm normally the one in charge, driving the conversation. Take it from me by natural authority (not from being boring, opinionated or pompous) and I'll be impressed. And horny.

Anger - piss me off and I'll be seconds away from snogging your face off, if you're hot. I love the idea of furiously rowing with someone, and the next second being kissed into submission. Anger often features very heavily in my fantasies - my anger or theirs. It's the intensity, you don't get angry unless you feel deeply.

Misery - I like to be hurt until I start crying. Soft little sobs and whimpers, broken down into pieces, ready to be rebuilt.

I think it's because I'm so highly controlled in my everyday life. I'm a very emotional person, I feel things very intensely, I'm very passionate, but I have to keep it all under control, I can't let these emotions get away from me and drive my behaviour. For example, I have a very destructive temper; but it's very very rare for me to lose it completely. I can't remember the last time I did. Sometimes it gets away from me a tiny bit, just for a couple of seconds, but then I'm back in control.

Tied up and being beaten - that is the one place I can drop the control for a moment. I can let go..I can submit to experiencing my full emotional range and expressing it. In a sense I'm submitting to myself, as well as the dom(me). I can furiously scream shout and swear, be unsure, be sobbing in pain and misery - and I'm still safe. No-one will hate me afterwards and I'll even get a cuddle. I won't have hurt anyone. I won't have damaged anything. I'm safe.