A new beginning

Ever since I split up with my girlfriend, people keep asking if I'm okay.

It's been really hard, but I'm starting to come to terms with what has happened, and to enjoy myself again. She's encouraged me to continue writing about my experiences, because she knows it's helpful to me when others offer their insight, and perhaps reading about my journey might also help others in the same boat. This is so honourable of her, so decent, that I've decided to honour her in return by respecting her wishes and writing openly and without reservation.

Yesterday I played with B, someone I've got to know recently who is becoming a regular play partner. It was an absolutely fantastic play, for lots of reasons. He's starting to get to know my reactions, and push me further, and I'm starting to trust him more deeply and am able to let myself go a bit more. I can be quite shy about my body, but he's very good at helping me to feel beautiful, and this time I was comfortable enough to be completely naked. I've got hard limits on playing with men, I'm not emotionally available, and while I'm a complete slut at the moment in terms of being practically insatiable for everything sex and play-wise, I'm also devoted to my husband and would never cross the limits I've set with him, nor would I play with anyone who I thought would allow me to. My playmate is such an honourable gentleman that I can trust him to stop me even if I get a bit frisky and over-excited.

Splitting up with my girlfriend has meant that I'm only bound by the limitations agreed with my husband, and so for the first time in fourteen years, I snogged a man who was not my husband. I just adore kissing, I'd snog everyone in the whole world if I could, and although I thought it would feel weird and maybe even freak me out, as I've always been the epitome of faithfulness to my husband, it actually felt very natural. I suppose because I AM being faithful to him, I'm not deceiving or hurting him, just enjoying mutual fun between two people who care about each other. The other thing he was allowed to do which he wasn't before, is have his hands all over my breasts. Yum. I'm not exactly small up top, and it always felt a little cruel to tell him he couldn't touch them. Especially when I was absolutely dying for him to touch me.

This time I had a sense of feeling free from guilt, which liberated me to truly enjoy the play. The last time we played together, he suggested that next time I come, I should bring along some old clothes. I grinned up at him and said "Why, do you want to rip them off me?". "Hmm", he replied, "actually I was thinking of cutting them off you".

*faints*

I practically came in my pants!

Okay, so you know how you have favourite clothes that are so old, so battered, that they are virtually unwearable anymore, but because you loved them once, you can't bear to throw them out? Well, can you think of a better way for such things to be retired disgracefully from your wardrobe? I sent him a text while I was on the train to tell him that every single thing I was wearing was open to being trashed. I was, as always, very nervous, and as we went into his house, I could feel my heart pounding. We sat down in his kitchen for a quick drink, and he pulled me into his arms and gave me a bloody good kissing. Yum. Melty Lucy ensues.

We went downstairs into his dungeon, and did lots more kissing and cuddling, standing up, and then he started spanking me, while looking into my eyes. I have turned into such a complete spanking slut that I was soaking wet by then, and uttered little moans and quiet cries, until he pulled me, unresisting, onto his lap, as he sat sprawled in the black satin duvet puddled on the floor. He carried on spanking me while ripping my fishnets off with his hands, and let me just take a moment to say - is there any sound hotter? - my god, it was absolutely fucking brilliant!

When he'd finished giving me a damn fine bare handed spanking, he lifted me up in my tattered and ripped clothing, and cuffed me to the frame above me. He kissed me again, and asked, "Are you going to be a good girl, Lucy?". I whispered "yes", and to the astonishment of everyone who knows me, I'm sure, I actually did manage to behave myself because he then pulled out an absolutely enormous knife, so big it was more of a small sword! I was shivering and gasping and incredibly turned on. Then he got this switchblade out, which was so sharp, it would have been very easy to have an accident. He slowly and skillfully cut off my top, and ran the back of the knife over my breasts and down my spine, while giving me the most evil but hot stare I've ever seen. Then, he cut away my skirt, and proceeded to rip off the rest of my fishnets. Pause for more spanking, more kissing, and then I looked down and watched him cut away my knickers. Muuurrrrrhhh. *dribble*

A little more kissing, a little more beating, then he uncuffed me and pulled me down into the bedding for a snuggle. What's very nice is that he's absolutely gorgeous, but bizarrely unaware of it, so although he's confident, he's also very modest and not at all arrogant. He's respectful and seems to enjoy playing with me as much as I do with him, but understands quite clearly what I can and can't offer him. I want to play with lots and lots of people, in lots of different ways, but there will be a few people who are special to me and he's definitely one of them, and it makes me happy to know I'm giving him a bit of fun and pleasure, too, because he's definitely giving me plenty!

I think we were down in his basement for four or five hours, not playing for all of that time, stopping for regular breaks, and sometimes just rolling around kissing and wrestling or talking or touching. I couldn't play in private without that sort of stuff, now, if someone is going to hurt me I need to feel they at least care for me a little, that they like me enough to want to spend time chatting and being close, building a connection. Anything else (except for fantasy land - that's quite different of course) would repulse me and leave me feeling humiliated and dirty - and not in a good way.

We had a fantastically fun time after he put some tighter cuffs on me, when I absolutely refused to go quietly and was kicking, pulling, twisting, and generally writhing around trying to get away. He enjoys that too, especially since I always let him overpower me in the end - well, frankly I don't have any choice unless I safeword; he's very strong - and then start shouting my mouth off at him, swearing, calling him a motherfucker and an arsehole, and then descending into whimpering as he spanks and thrashes all the aggression and anger out of me.

At one point I was in a standing position and we were playing quite hard, when I started to feel a little faint. I should have said 'amber' at that point but I still have problems with even semi-safewording. I'm working on it. Fortunately he noticed I wasn't quite myself, and asked me whether I was okay, at which point I 'fessed up I was feeling weird and got quickly taken down and cuddled better again.

Today I feel positively blissful, floaty and relaxed and not at all stressed. I had the best night's sleep I've had in a week. I feel happy and contented and all loved up with myself, my husband, my friends, the whole world and everyone in it. Plus, I've got some FANTASTIC bruises...