Fuck me hard, fuck me up, but don't fuck me over..

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO fucking frustrated at the moment. It's been a good couple of months since I had a decent play, PLUS about the same amount of time since I had a decent shag, and I swear to god I'm going to Actually Do Someone an Injury if someone doesn't relieve my frustrations soon.

When I get like this, I become....quite 'aggressive'. I just want to grab some gorgeous bit of totty, throw them down on the bed, rip their clothes off and ....then probably be sadly disappointed because they will fail to overpower me and I'll end up doing 'hmph' and pouting.

My libido has gone into uber max overdrive now, partially because I had a sizzling affair de la memo via IC over the last week, which unfortunately didn't work out in real life. At least I'm no longer second-guessing my instincts. I should have gone with my initial 'no, this isn't going to work' response, rather than doubting myself.

Also, I did something really fucking stupid the other day. I drank about six pints and asked someone I barely knew to take me home and hurt me. We got back to his house whereupon he dragged me up the stairs by my hair, slapped me in the face (to be fair, I slapped him first), and threw me in the bedroom. Whereupon I burst into tears. Congratulations me, for being a total and utter twat. On the other hand, my judgement that he was trustworthy turned out to be completely sound, as he just cuddled me better, fussed over me, and sent me safely home untouched. Not that I'll be taking that risk again, of course, it was a fucking stupid thing to do. But on the other hand - go me, with the intuition!

What I really need is someone who can terrify the shit out of me, frighten, beat and fuck the aggression out of me, and then cuddle me into some state of relaxation afterwards. But given I don't have any current play partners, casual or otherwise, and I don't do casual sex with men ANYWAY..the getting fucked hard bit is going to have to wait a while. Let's not hope it's too long or my tetchiness is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

So it looks like I'll have to search for release in the form of someone who can fuck me up a bit, leave me with some lovely cane stripes, bite marks, take me to that endorphined up, adoring heaven where I really need to go, give me a part of what I'm craving, so I can at least let some of my control drop for a little bit. Because my infamous self-control is being severely tested at the moment.

Of course I shall have to employ my gut instinct in seeking someone who can do this for me without fucking me over. In the meantime, I'll just grit my teeth and growl at anyone who looks at me funny today.

ETA: Ooh, I tell a lie. BD 'did' me a few weeks ago, but that was topping not domming and so, wonderful as it was, only released the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.

I would normally exorcise this frustration through vigorous physical exercise, such as my thrice weekly stompathon constitutional down the seafront. However, we are currently in the grip of, to quote our taxi driver last night, 'the worst case of iced up roads and pavements I've seen in 42 years of living here'. There are tree'd, lampost'd, and abandoned cars spread throughout the town. It could be worse though...on my bus trip to work I saw a blind man making his way along the ice, and then a few minutes later, a homeless man clutching his can of special brew. Grim - made me a bit ashamed of the rant I was composing in my head, at the time.