Evolving

Ah, this has been a hard post to write. I’ve been putting it off for a while until I felt ready to talk about some very complicated, very private feelings. But this blog is not just for *you*, it’s for *me*, and part of my self-reflection process is to write privately, and then write some more, and then share for comment and insight from people who may have experience in handling some of the same issues I struggle with.

So. My husband R and I went on holiday. We had fun, but it was also quite strange being completely cut off from my support network (couldn’t get my phone to work the whole week we were overseas). During this time I felt rejected sexually by R on a number of occasions, which fractured my already damaged sexual confidence.

I then had something of a moral/ identity crisis. When I started playing with people, and having a relationship outside my marriage, back in February, there were some very hard limits which R and I agreed between us of what I could and couldn’t do with men. Those limits have become much more fluid, they are changing, and I can eventually see that there might be a point where I have full sex with both men and women outside of my relationship with R. This is the product of a HUGE and constant amount of communication, negotiation, loving give and take etc etc etc. I’m not ready for it NOW, but I have come to accept it is a possibility in the future.

I’ve come to realise that I am truly not able to live happily loving and having sex with just one person. I love deep and wide, and I’ve got an awful lot of love to give. My sexuality is similarly HUGE, I’ve got a libido the size of a small universe, and I want to be able to give love and pleasure, where and how I choose to do so, to be in control of my own sexuality, my own heart, my own body. But I also don’t want to fuck up the incredible relationship I already have.

I’ve not been a very actively sexual person in a long (very very long) time, until recently. I’ve not had that much fun, either. My world had retreated down to my R, my house, my cats and my job. I was mostly content, interspersed with feelings of utter sadness, for a good few years. Being a sexually fulfilled person has brought me back to life. I’ve regained interest in all the things I used to enjoy doing, years ago.

But I’m not used to this. My identity is based on sacrificing my own needs for the needs of others, looking after people, being a Good Person. Having Integrity. Choosing to become fulfilled at what I worry is at the expense of R’s happiness, makes me question everything - who am I? Is this the person I want to become?

Some of the things R has said, really bother me. That he’ll never be 100% comfortable with me playing with others, having sex with others. But then on the other hand, why should I sacrifice my own personal happiness and fulfillment, and be only 20-30% happy with my own life, so he can go from (he tells me) 90% comfortable to 100% comfortable. If he’s 90% comfortable with me doing this stuff, that’s ok. Isn’t it?

He worries I will suddenly start becoming a complete tart and shagging half a dozen blokes who cover me in spunk, and he’ll end up miserable, won’t be able to handle it, and will eventually end up living in a bedsit in Portslade. Realistically I know I just ain’t that sort of girl, but the very fact he worries that my sexuality will make him miserable and destroy our relationship…that freaks me out.

This was/ has been my state of mind and so when I went over to visit B & O at the weekend, things inevitably went downhill. I felt rejected by both of them, and ended up feeling very tearful, and kinda going into meltdown in the few days following. What I have to remember is that I, and my relationship with R, is growing and evolving and changing, that these things can’t happen without some upheaval and struggle, and that if I can somehow find within myself the courage to make this leap of faith, something wonderful and new is waiting for me on the other side. And if I fall into the cavernous hole I’m afraid of, then I’ll bloody well climb back out again, dragging R with me by the hair.

Something else that’s come out of our discussions is the suggestion that R could try and explore his own needs for love and affection through polyamory. He’s registered on a website and we’ll wait and see, and if it all works out it will bring big changes too, but I’m shocked at myself; I just don’t feel any concern, or jealousy, when I think about him loving or having sex with another woman. I feel pleased and proud. Is that wierd? My only worries are practical things like - don’t give anyone our landline, and I don’t want anyone turning up on our doorstep at 3am having a personal crisis. It IS strange, especially when I consider how IMMENSELY jealous and possessive a person I was when we first met. But R has loved me so generously, so deeply, and for so long, that I do feel secure in his love. And I love him back in the same way, I adore him, I want him so much to be happy and to find the same pleasure and joy that I’ve found, for himself.

My sweeties, B & O, were supposed to be very casual play partners. But I’m just not a casual person and the fact is, that I have deep feelings for them. Bizarrely, R is actually happy about this, and happy for me to be loved in return. In fact, the more serious and the less casual I am about people, and they about me, the better he feels. I think maybe it’s because that’s more in character for me, and the out-of-character stuff freaks him out (like imagining me engaged in bukkake or something!) I know he would prefer me to have one or two serious sweeties than a dozen very casual playmates.

Who knows where it will all lead?