Becoming

I'm going through a very productive, creative phase at the moment. I'm making paintings at a rapid rate, and for the first time, having the confidence to try and sell them to the public. I'm exhibiting some of my work in my local kink-friendly alt pub, over the next few months.

I've been modelling, and creating a portfolio I'm really happy with. This has changed my perception of my own face and body. I'm not sure if I've actually got better looking as I've got older, or if it's just taken until my mid-thirties to believe I'm not actually unattractive. There was a time when I hated my face, thinking only that I looked like a victim. And I've always had a tempestuous relationship with my own body. But right now, I feel; if not beautiful all the time, at least; beautiful every now and then.

I'm taking care of myself, with a good time balance for loved ones, friends, boring stuff, work, 'me' time.

I'm writing, which comes and goes, sometimes I'm hugely prolific in a THIS HAS TO COME OUT! NOOOOWWWW!! way, and sometimes waiting until I feel inspired again.

I'm learning poi, and finding myself drawn more to the poi dance and flow side than tricks. I know I'm pretty good at it, and people seem to like watching me, but it's the way it makes me feel that I love, and I've learned to just zone out from any unintentional audience so I can sink into the dance.

I'm fulfilled sexually, probably for the first time in my life. I've developed a strong, and much-appreciated network of friends. I feel comfortable in myself - in my integrity, in my polyamorous lifestyle in a way I never thought would be possible.

People who've got to know me over the last couple of years might find this hard to believe, but before I discovered BDSM, I spent a couple of years in what I like to call my 'Brown Period'. So-called because my mood at the time was mostly brown. I was quite content, but not what I'd call happy. I spent a few years really doing nothing much more than sitting on the sofa knitting, playing with the cats, reading prolifically, working hard, snuggling up with my husband, and going on vigorous bike rides and walks. Like I say - all good, but not...me!

I'm quite experienced with being a massive headmental, and this wasn't extreme like some of the depressive or anxious episodes I've experienced. It was just...brown.

Okay, so I went on a sponsored hike through New Zealand and raised a few grand for the RSPCA during that period, so I wasn't completely dead! But I'd lost my spark - my mojo - and I started to drop out of contact with all the things I love that make my life so happy. I stopped looking after my appearance, I stopped going out and having fun, I stopped seeing a lot of my friends. I stopped listening to music, or dancing, or making music or art or writing. I stopped living. I was just existing.

And now I'm flowering. Savouring the world. Opening petals outward to the sunshine. People who I see who I haven't bumped into for a few months, keep telling me I look 'radiant'. So either I've developed a massive tummy (lol) or I genuinely am blossoming. I love my life. I love my poly family. I love the fun things, and the important things, and the precious things, that are in my life. And there are a lot of them.

Thankyou world. I'm so glad to be here.