Friday 28 August 2009

Excitement about tonight

Tonight I'm going to DV8, with B and his friend O, plus a few others. I'm excited and scared in equal measure...

Reasons why I'm scared/ anxious about it:
My first public visit to a club without N, unless you count TG in brighton before I even met her, which I didn't have a good time at. When I went places with N, I had context. I would be by her side, then feel brave enough to float off and do the social butterfly thing, then be by her side again. I'd know I was going to be playing, and who it would be with. This time, I don't know WHAT will happen. And yes, in some ways that's very liberating, but it's also scary.

I'll be meeting O for the first time, and that's bound to be a bit awkward. 'Hey, you know this guy you're shagging? Just ignore me while I snog him in front of you, okay?' Apparently she's completely cool with it and totally okay - doesn't WANT a relationship with him, and doesn't do exclusivity at all, she's got her own playmates because she's domme, and why would she mind him beating me when she doesn't want him to do that to her? But still....what if she HATES me? Scared....she won't like me... *wobble*

In some ways, it's a bit like experiencing the whole public clubgoing/ public play thing all over again - I feel like I'm bound to break some unspoken rules, put my foot in it, everyone will end up thinking I'm an idiot. This vulgar acting out of my breakup with N in public has horrified me and I'm somewhat disillusioned by the scene, but also had my first taste of what it's like when people you thought respected and liked you, turn on you.It's knocked my confidence and made me feel very fragile. I need to re-take those steps, but it's hard. I feel so lost.

I'm going over to B's straight from work and getting changed there. I hate getting changed at other people's houses, it makes me feel awkward and tense. But he said it was best if I get there early as the timing is tight, then we can all be ready at the same time, and he can make sure I look sexy enough. What does that mean??!! Does that mean he thinks it's likely I won't look sexy? oh my GOD!

Plus, I'm going to have to get my mojo on and do the fake it till you make it thing, swagger through that damn door and swing my hips like I'm auditioning for a Shakira video. No bloody point in going if I'm just going to mope around, feeling miserable because nobody wants to talk to me, self-fulfilling prophecy etc etc. BE attractive and people will be attracted to you, that's the ticket. Bloody hard though. Hardly slept a wink again last night, more nightmares about N, death and arguments.

Reasons why I'm excited/ anticipating it:
Nothing to hold me back, anything and everthing could happen, I'm going with four doms/ tops and I'm the only sub, ha ha! I can probably spend all night playing if I want to.. I'm staying over which means I can have a lovely gentle come down and spend all night being snuggled and cared for, or possibly shagged rotten by O if we take to each other :-)

I need to make new non-N memories, and this, a club that I've never been to before, is the perfect opportunity. Plus, excited about first public play with B. He's bound to show off a bit, which should be fun, since I like to show off a bit too :-)

Now I'm without a girlfriend, but my libido is still going through the roof, I seriously need a few fuck buddies of my own! I need a few friends I can call on and say, I'm gagging for it, fancy a bit of how's yer mother?

Speaking of which, I've got a sess next wednesday with S&S. Phwoar. We're just going to have a couple of drinks and see where things go. Should be good :-)