"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance"

Things fall apart, but the centre holds. But what happens when the centre falls apart?

My husband used to suffer from fits, related to his diabetes, and would usually be hospitalised while extremely agitated, vomiting, reduced level of consciousness, for at least 24 hours, then kept in or discharged depending on whether his blood sugar was stable. Extremely distressing for all concerned, so naturally we’ve been delighted that this hasn’t happened for four or five years now.

On sunday morning I called him and realised quite quickly he’d had a fit, as he was only able to speak a little, and after I called the neighbour who broke into the house, they found him vomiting and near unconscious. He was kept in overnight, and is nearly well again, although blood sugars are a little unstable, he is home and I’m looking after him. We don’t know why it happened again after so long. We don’t know if it will happen again, or when.

While this was happening to him, I was with B & O and had been since wednesday, partying and being a whore. The fact that he knew where I was and had his full understanding consent, doesn’t change that I wasn’t by his side where I should have been. I could have done something and I wasn’t there. I feel sick every time I see the bruises on my body; a visible reminder that I wasn’t where I should have been, when it mattered.

I know I’m not thinking straight. I know I’m exhausted because I haven’t slept. I know my judgement is skewed. But taking care of R is WHO I AM. I’ve failed him, I’ve failed myself, and I’ve failed everyone else who believed I was who I said I was.