Monday 5 October 2009

Trial by Fire

When I started playing with people, and having a relationship outside my marriage, back in February, there were some very hard limits which R and I agreed between us of what I could and couldn't do with men. Those limits have become much more fluid, they are changing, and I can eventually see that there might be a point where I have full sex with both men and women outside of my relationship with R. This is the product of a HUGE and constant amount of communication, negotiation, loving give and take etc etc etc. I'm not ready for it NOW, but I have come to accept it is a possibility in the future.

I've come to realise that I am truly not able to be fulfilled, to live happily, loving and having sex with just one person. I love deep and wide, and I've got an awful lot of love to give. My sexuality is similarly HUGE, I've got a libido the size of a small universe, and I want to be able to give love and pleasure, where and how I choose to do so, to be in control of my own sexuality, my own heart, my own body. But I also don't want to fuck up the incredible relationship I already have.

I've not been a very actively sexual person in a long (very very long) time, until recently. I've not had that much fun, either. My world had retreated down to my R, my house, my cats and my job. I was mostly content, interspersed with feelings of utter sadness, for a good few years. Being a sexually fulfilled person has brought me back to life. I've regained interest in all the things I used to enjoy doing, years ago.

But I'm not used to this. I had a bit of a wobble recently because my identity is based on sacrificing my own needs for the needs of others, looking after people, being a Good Person. Having Integrity. Choosing to become fulfilled at what I worry is at the expense of R's happiness, made me question everything - who am I? What sort of person do I want to become?

What I have to remember is that I, and my relationship with R, is growing and evolving and changing, that these things can't happen without some upheaval and struggle. I'm in the process of finding within myself the courage to make this leap of faith, where something wonderful and new waits for me on the other side. And if I fall into the cavernous hole I'm afraid of, then I'll bloody well climb back out again, dragging R with me by the hair.

Something else that's come out of our discussions is the suggestion that R could try and explore his own needs for love and affection through polyamory. He's registered on a website and we'll wait and see, and if it all works out it will bring big changes too, but I'm shocked at myself; I just don't feel any concern, or jealousy, when I think about him loving or having sex with another woman. I feel pleased and proud. Is that weird? My only worries are practical things like - don't give anyone our landline, and I don't want anyone turning up on our doorstep at 3am having a personal crisis. It IS strange, especially when I consider how IMMENSELY jealous and possessive a person I was when we first met. But R has loved me so generously, so deeply, and for so long, that I do feel secure in his love. And I love him back in the same way, I adore him, I want him so much to be happy and to find the same pleasure and joy that I've found, for himself.

I have a couple of very special people in my life at the moment who I've just had an outstanding weekend with. I feel very safe, very protected, very loved, and very content and happy. R is happy because he would prefer me to have a few deeper relationships in my life, than many superficial ones, perhaps because he realises this is much more in character and right for me.

I feel cocooned in a secure place where nothing can touch me. It's strange how someone can terrify you in a very sexual way, looking like pure evil, as if they're just going to fucking RAPE you, do all sorts of incredibly hot, painful things to you, and then cuddle you close to their chest, stroke your face, tell you you're a good girl and they're proud of you. And how someone so drop dead gorgeous and glamourous that you can't BELIEVE they're holding you in their arms, can belt you in the face so hard your jaw hurts the next day, reduce your pain threshold because they've made you come so hard and so many times, then beat you so hard you cry; but also give you a place to be so safe in, so protected, so secure that you're able to cry in their arms, cry as they hold you, and you know - you just KNOW, that when they tell you it's okay, that it really IS okay, as you let some things go, and get some things back. Because they just took the time to listen, and to HEAR you. It's very strange indeed. But I like it.