Up and down, up and down, like a tart’s knickers…

I stayed lovely and relaxed after a thoroughly debauched weekend, which lasted right up until yesterday. Now my mood’s dropped a bit. I’m really struggling with the aftermath of the break-up with N. I’ve been very close a few times in the last couple of weeks, to walking away from the scene completely. I need to find some way to express my feelings of frustration and hurt, through writing, whilst at the same time, not retaliate in a ‘tit-for-tat’ style debacle in public, which would serve no purpose.

It’s clear my ex is hurting a great deal, and I suspect it’s easier for her at the moment to hate me, and re-write history so that she’s the victim of this failed relationship, rather than accept we were just not meant to be together. She’s having difficulty letting go, and I understand that, and I feel for her. What’s happening though, is that she’s being very public about her pain, and I am not. She is putting a very particular and one-sided slant on my behaviour, and being very vocal about it. And I am not. Which means that even my close friends are wondering what the fuck is up with me that I’ve been behaving like such an insensitive bitch.

I have no intention of justifying myself, my actions, or my behaviour, to anyone else. If I start picking each accusation apart and responding to it, I’ll become as embroiled in spending time thinking about her, as I was when we were together, and I am not going to do that. As long as I can look at myself and be realistic - I’ve cocked a good few things up but I took the best decision that I could at the time, and although I’ve made mistakes out of naivety and believing the best of people, I know I’m neither cruel nor heartless, and it doesn’t matter how many people tell me I am. I struggle so hard and so continually to do the right thing, and occasionally fall down, and now I feel as if I’m being strung up over it, even though I know I am STILL doing the right thing by making a deliberate choice not to stand up for myself, which under the circumstances, would only make the whole thing spiral out of control even further.

But…it hurts. My honeymoon period with the social network surrounding the scene is well and truly over, I feel a bit like a social pariah at the moment, and I’m unsettled and ill at ease. I am not finding this easy at all. I feel judged and found wanting. There’s always three sides to every story, they say - yours, mine, and the truth. Well, it’s not that I am not being heard by people, more that I’m choosing not to be heard. Things are always more complicated than they seem.