Change is the constant

PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern small hot bird ~ Ambrose Bierce.

Okay, enough of this lying around moping in a consumptive fashion. It's time to start looking outward again. The self-scrutiny stuff is all good though, it's part of my process and very necessary to keep me on track. I'm often told that I'm over-sensitive, and that I over-think things. I've believed that most of my life. Well, I've come to a conclusion recently about that.

It's BOLLOCKS.

Okay, so very occasionally it's true. But most of the time? No. The problems start when I *stop* listening to the inner voice, and plunge onwards, ignoring the build up of thoughts and emotions, sweeping them aside as 'inappropriate' or 'foolish', judging them as a product of over-sensitivity or over-thinking, burying them under a dizzying schedule, reacting to events, rather than understanding them.

If I'm spending a lot of time in a situation where I feel hurt and want to cry - that situation is problematic. And I need to address that, instead of assuming I'm 'just being oversensitive again'.

I find it hard to express my needs - add into the mix some very forceful personalities, and the intense emotion of d/s in whatever form - and I can end up backed into a corner, somewhere I really don't want to be. And THAT'S when, listening to my emotions, and thinking about how I feel, could stop me from going along with things I'm not comfortable with. Because when I get backed into a corner, and feel trapped, with no solutions in sight, I react very badly, and my temper can be very destructive. And in all probability I'll remove myself from the situation entirely, because things have degenerated to the point where they cannot be salvaged without further damage to everyone involved.

Baring my soul via blog entry? It's part of my process. I like the idea that I can look back and see where I've been, how far I've come. Look at some of the comments and see where people were right - or wrong.

On another note, R (husband) is off to meet a nice young lady tomorrow, who I've lined up for him. Think he feels a little bad that things are taking off for him just as I'm on my own extra-marital-wise, but I'm really glad for him. It was me who started all this, but I haven't actually shagged another bloke yet, which is the Big Thing, and all the other stuff he takes in his stride (he doesn't bat an eyelid if I have sex with a woman etc). So I'd rather he has sex with another woman before I have sex with another man.

I'm in Extra Special Uber Protective Mode around R at the moment anyway, since he has started to be very poorly again. Needless to say, I don't think his failure to look after himself properly has helped, but I've chucked my hissy fit and forgiven him. So anything which makes him happy, I Extra Especially want for him, at the moment.

It's so very hard for us both when he has these seizures - he doesn't know his own name for anything between 2-24 hours afterwards, gets agitated and punches people in the face when they try and give him medical attention. He screams and swears, it's like he's had a complete personality change. It makes me feel so utterly alone. He's my stability, my centre of gravity. I often think of R and I as having an invisible elastic string attached to us, that pulls when we're away from each other. When he has these seizures it's like the band has snapped and is leaking bits of my soul into the ether. Sounds ridiculously dramatic but that's the only way I can describe the sensation. I think that's why I'm feeling the loss of the additional support from my other relationships so very hard, it's the loneliness that his fits bring, which lasts for a great deal longer than just during his recovery period.

But I have a responsibility to myself, as well as to him. And I need to take my happiness into my own hands. So I'm throwing myself back into the social whirlwind, taking every opportunity to enjoy myself, spending time with good friends both old and new, and giving myself some fun. And I'll be balancing that with time to think and time to reflect on how I feel. I'm still a little vulnerable, a little fragile, so I'll be taking my time and being gentle with myself for a while.