What happened at Club Twisted

OR How I Got It Right and What I Learned From It

I went with N and friends to Club Twisted on sunday, and as a result, I felt like the pussy who creamed on monday (oh no, that's not quite right, is it?

First though, a bit of background. Okay, so I've got to have this annoying operation in a week's time. It involves a general anaesthetic and the removal of an area of skin and flesh at the bottom of my spine, and it'll be a few weeks until it's healed up. Due to the nature of the op, it's notoriously painful (which I can handle), and may leave a nasty looking scar, the size of which could be tiny or could be large but I won't know which it is until after the operation.I'm a bit emotional about it, if I'm honest, but it's one of those things that's got to be done. There are some things about it in particular which are fucking me off.

A) The idea of lying naked with my arse in the air on an operating table, unconscious, while people do disfiguring painful things to me while I can't stop them, makes me want to scream and run for the hills. Do. Not. Want!

B) the scar will be very fragile for a while and it'll be an uncertain number of weeks until I can have play on that whole area. Grrr! Just as I'm discovering this wonderful, fulfilling joy of being given a bloody good old beating on my bum, I have to stop for a bit! Argggh!

C) the scar will have to heal from the bottom up and may look horrible and huge. I'm so self-conscious about my body in a play situation that I honestly don't know how I'm going to feel about playing in public, or playing with anyone other than N, afterwards. Maybe it'll be a tiny scar, and I'll feel fine. Maybe I'll accept it and love my body no matter what it looks like. I just don't know. But maybe I won't want anyone to see, maybe it will change the way I feel about public play altogether. Just thinking about the way it might look makes me feel sad and very, very unsexy. And yes, I know that's grossly superficial and vain. But it's how I feel

So - how do I deal with A, B and C? Go and ask for something very painful to be done to my bum while I AM conscious and while I CAN stop it!

I asked N beforehand if I could have really hard play. I felt like I needed the release, the emotional intensity, as a way to channel my tension and fear. We went in a group to club Twisted, with some really lovely friends of N who I've met before. We spent some time chatting and socialising, and meeting some great, interesting people (like the man who ate his own finger, the TV with bum cheek implants, and the pussycat lady who made me do Automatic Cat Response - OMG lookatthecutepusscat!!!) before we played. There was something a little intimidating about the layout of the club, and I felt a bit uncomfortable, but we both felt we'd waited long enough and had to have it NOW even though the fire performance was going on at the same time. We were in a room made from fabric, which sectioned off the space, and N cuffed me to a metal version of the St Andrews Cross.

I was wearing a burlesque style corset, stockings, very high boots, ruffle pants, and nothing else, so she didn't even need to pull my skirt up to start playing. She gently pulled down my knickers and began. She knew exactly what I needed, and after a quick warm-up, she moved on to the hurtiest section of the toybox. Occasionally she would come to the front of the cross, and I couldn't resist forcing my lips on hers - she looks so beautiful with that expression of power on her face. I kissed her angrily, playing at hating her, in reality loving her, totally immersed in the moment, the pain, the intensity, the emotional and physical rush.

I was a little inhibited though, as I needed a good shout and scream, but felt it would be rather poor form to do this whilst the fire performance was going on. The last thing you need when you're swinging a flaming sword around your head is an unexpected noise distracting you! Also, as our scene wound down, I wanted - needed - to release the emotions by crying, but I just couldn't, not in this space, not in this unknown place in front of unknown people.

As N uncuffed me, my legs turned to jelly, and we went to sit down and recover. I craved physical touch, I wanted her arms around me. She tore herself away to get me a drink, and I reattached myself like a limpet to the nearest available kind hug-provider. Sound was phasing in and out - the strangest sensation. The noise was muffled and at a distance, almost as if I was wearing earplugs, or in the next room. Then suddenly it would seem startlingly loud. Then muffled again.

N returned and we sat where I could get right into a proper cuddle. I practically crawled into her lap, and closed my eyes as everything seemed too bright and shiny. I wanted HER touch more than anybody else's at that moment, it was absolutely RIGHT that she be next to me, feeling her skin, smelling her smell, hearing her voice. She says that my face changes completely after a play - that all the muscles relax, even the tiny ones around my mouth and eyes. I've noticed that she always looks even more incredible to me, after we've played, and wonder if her face changes too, or if it's my emotional state in relation to her that makes her seem so literally adorable.

I was cold so snuggled into her velvet jacket. It took me about an hour and a half to completely come round, before I felt able to stand up without falling over or shivering. And guess what I was angling for very shortly after that? Yup! Another go!

This time we used the cross on the main floor. I had a few moments of EEK! Run for the hills! because it was next to the stage, brightly lit, and with the seating arranged like a roman amphitheater around it, which made me feel a bit 'Oh my GOD, here's my ARSE everybody, why don't you just shine a SPOTLIGHT on it' but at the same time, if you're going to play in public, you at some level enjoy the audience, so you might as well have a large one, right? I'm perfectly capable of feeling multiple conflicting emotions at the same time, thankyou very much!

N cuffed me in, and began all over again, but with less of a warm-up as I was still relatively prepared from earlier. It was at the back of my mind to ask her for a less hard play, as I was still not 100% recovered from our previous scene, but I didn't, and I guess I must have known I really wanted to play hard again. N went easy on me, but because I was sore from the first session, it hurt like hell! Despite my best efforts, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and swore like a motherfucker. It's wonderful that she doesn't mind being called a bitch under those circumstances because she knows she can make me suffer for it.

I'm not sure how long it lasted as it passed in an eye-blink for me. We were close to finishing when I felt the early sensations of fainting, and said 'N...I feel funny'. 'What kind of funny?', she asked. 'Faint funny' I said, and so she immediately uncuffed me and helped me over to a sofa where I lay down with my feet up to help the blood run back to my head.

Did you see what I did there? I detected the early signs of something undesirable happening, let N know, and we stopped! Go me! I really have learnt something from my experience at Guilty Pleasures! If I'd needed to, I would have safeworded, but because N knows me so well, she stopped the scene right there. I'm still getting the whole safewording area sussed, and I'm not confident I could have pulled off the same trick if I'd been playing with someone other than N, but at that time and place, I Got It Right. Go Team!

I lay down until I felt less sick, faint and breathless. N got me a drink, while I snuggled with a lovely Dom we met earlier. He was soooo nice to cuddle with. I really liked his vibe as he had a lovely quiet authority - very non-showy and not in-your-face. I find it satisfying on quite a basic level to be around alpha males who are so confident in themselves that they don't need to be making a song and dance about it, but you feel they are trustworthy.

My N came back and I re-limpetified myself to her. The club was closing and so I scraped myself together and limped out to the taxi. When we got back to our friend's place who had kindly offered to put us up for the night, there suddenly seemed to be about a hundred people in the house, all noise and brightness and shiny colours. Arrrgh. It was a bit much, so I bolted upstairs to bed, where I fell asleep in about two seconds.

The next day I felt like I had the Worst Hangover In the World, which, considering I didn't have any alchohol, made me feel quite annoyed. This was compounded by collecting a friend from Lakeland on the way back. There's nothing worse than pushing your way through a crowd of chavs in a shopping mall when you've had three cups of tea and no breakfast. It must have been even worse for N, as she was driving and couldn't just feebly close her eyes and pull her sunglasses on.

When we got back to N's house, she gave me what I think was probably the best, and certainly the noisiest, orgasm I've ever had. Followed by a short spanking session which has thoroughly converted me to hand spanking. 'Whack! - groan, smack! - moan, Whack! - ahhhh, Smack! - ooooooohh'. Her poor neighbour next door must have been wanking himself inside out to the sounds coming through the wall.

I can't even begin to describe how satisfied I felt after the weekend's fun. I felt - and still feel - fulfilled in places I never knew existed!

I'm going to Sweet Torments on saturday, and even though I can't sustain much bruising, certainly not on my bottom, due to the operation coming up - I'll lap up any sweet release my darling N sees fit to allow me.