Ravens, ravens everywhere, and me without wings..

There are ravens everywhere in town today, but I don't feel like flying anywhere.

I've worked so hard, and for so long, to drag myself out of the doldrums. Made so much effort, which really seemed to be paying off. Recently I've been all shiny and new, and felt like I was on much firmer ground. And then just one tiny thing, one tiny pathetic insignificant thing, and I've fallen so far down again I'm shocked at the speed and intensity of my emotions. Which tells me that the ground wasn't as firm as I thought it was in the first place.

One by one I find myself cutting off my sources of support. Can't talk to R, I can say I'm feeling down, but not why, if it's got anything to do with kinky. It only confuses and upsets him, and he's asked me not to share stuff with him to do with BDSM. Can't talk to family or non-kinky friends anymore, as I feel they disapprove. Really don't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone in person. Feel like I've leant far too heavily on my kinky mates anyway, during my last rather severe episode of crapism. Which leaves wittering away to unknown correspondents on IC and posting maudlin weblogs. How the mighty have fallen!

Just the slightest bit of emotional engagement with someone, and I fall to pieces. I wish, desperately, that I could be emotionally detached and not care so very damn much. I wish I could lock the door again on my needs. I was fine how I was. I liked me, and I liked my life. And now there's just this huge hole, this well of loneliness, this huge aching NEED for fulfilling sex, the satisfaction of emotional intimacy and sheer physical pleasure of BDSM, and it seems to be drawing people to me, but I'm afraid that it's my vulnerability which attracts people, and not my strength, and that's never good. That, and the fact that I'm presenting myself as a total slapper at the moment, and everybody thinks I'm easy, when the truth couldn't be further away, I've snogged half of brighton it would seem, and played with a couple of people, sure, but that's as far as I've taken it, I didn't even shag my ex, the one I was madly in love with, who broke my heart, because I wasn't ready. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I feel so lost.

I need a bloody slap in the face and to stop being so pathetic. I hate this side of me. I think I need to back off from physical contact with people for a bit. I'm so so desperate just to touch and be held, how do I do that and get close to people without taking it any further? Every time I go to the pub recently, I end up snogging someone. I reckon that's got to stop. Even if it means giving up the chance to touch, and be touched. Even if it makes the loneliness even worse. Everything I touch at the moment becomes problematic.