Where to next?

Having sat here staring at the screen for ten minutes, reaching for the right words, I'm just going to give up and say whatever comes into my head, and hope it makes sense.

I've used these weblogs to record my journey so far, and to aid the process of self-reflection. I've found it really useful and I don't want to stop doing it.

Up until now, the experiences I've had since coming onto the scene as a newbie six months ago, have been overwhelmingly positive, with occasional hiccups which have been very useful as learning tools. Nothing awful, tragic or sorrowful has happened to me.

For five of those months I've had a girlfriend, and we had a wonderful time together. That relationship has now ended, and that's all I'm going to say about that. I see no point in playing out in public my private sadness UNLESS others might find my insight useful. I'm hardly the first or last person in this situation so I don't think there's anything new to say.

Naturally I'm bruised and heartsore, but I also feel rather adrift and anchorless - a little bit lost, if you will - and that's what I want to talk about now.

I'm still finding my feet in the scene, finding a place for myself. That place is no longer where I thought it was. Who am I when I play, and who do I want to be? How will I feel about playing, without a mentor, guide, best friend, to hold my hand and advise me?

Will I get lost? How do I temper my desire to try everything and everyone, with a bit of self-restraint and common sense? Am I able to? Do I trust myself? What if I become someone or something I don't like?

How do I balance that with wanting to throw myself back wholeheartedly into something that made me feel so shiny and new and gave me so much fun? My shine is a little dulled at the moment, and I need a good polish.

How do I walk the fine line between thinking too much, and not thinking enough?

What's that, you say? Learn from your experiences and take responsibility for yourself? Surely not!

Thank god I'm 33 years old and with a strong support network. I really wouldn't like to have discovered the scene when I was younger and still engaged in Mission Self-Destruct. Where I am in my life now, I've got the tools - gained from bloody hard work - to pick myself up and soldier on, learn from experience, and take responsibility for my own choices.

I hope.