Obligatory annual whiny self-indulgent post

Don't know why, I just feel absolutely flattened by sadness right now, really overwhelmed by it. After three and a half weeks of being (relatively) stoic about slowly recovering from an operation which has left me debilitated to the point of constant exhaustion and not being able to walk for five minutes without hurting myself, I am absolutely sick and tired of grinning and bearing it, keeping my chin up, and staying positive.

Comparing myself to other people who are in a much worse boat, and being grateful as it 'could be worse' is all very well, but all of the things which give me a sense of achievement feel as if they're slipping through my fingers. I feel whiny and pathetic and am guilty right now of the criminal sin of 'making a fuss', but I just feel like I need to experience these feelings at the moment and then, I hope, let them go. I've been trying so hard to be patient and good, but I'm just so tired of getting left behind by everyone. And being told this week that it could be another 3-4 weeks before I'm healed and there are no more daily, painful, humiliating visit to the nurse, was the last straw.

I hate having to wait for other people to visit me, I hate not being able to do anything active, I hate not being able to help one of my best friends when she really needs me right now, and has asked me to do something for her, and I can't say an outright yes because of this stupid fucking problem.

I hate having to accept help from so many people, and being high maintenance, and having to keep asking for help.

And at the moment, I particularly hate watching N make plans for outings, with my friends, to events that I really wanted to go to my own self, and it's not that I don't her them to go, and have a good time - even if I can't come, I'd much rather she went, enjoyed themselves, came back and told me all about it. But there's a part of me that wants to scream and childishly kick my heels and say 'it's not FAIR!!!!!' And much as I don't like feeling that way, I have to admit that I feel sad because, while everyone is out having a grand old time, and yeah they'd rather I was there too, but they'll still have fun, and at the end of the day I'll be sitting at home trying not to brood jealously.

It's not exactly my finest hour, is it? I feel really negative about my body at the moment, and I'm starting to think I'm a bit of a twat personality wise as well.

Excuse me while I go to ground for a couple of days and lick my wounds.

Normal service will resume shortly. Merry, easily-pleased, fun-having Imp is on holiday and will be back soon to answer your enquiries. In the meantime cover will be provided by miserable mentalist Imp who will be filing your emails under 'who cares?'