And crashing down again…

[an extract from an email to Ness, I’d forgotten how tumultuous my emotions were in those first few months, reading this brings it all back again. This was shortly after I’d found out I had to have a fairly major operation at the start of June, and after I found out it had become necessary to cancel some of the play clubs we were planning on attending just before my op.]

…but hey - there always seems to be some reason or another why it’s a bad idea for me to pause, catch my breath, and try to reflect on stuff going on in my head so I can try and share it with you. There never seems to be a good moment to find a moment for self-reflection. But there’s stuff that needs to come out, and it might as well be now as any other time since there’s always so much going on in our lives as we plough hectically along.

I just want to try and make some sense of my experiences, my emotions, and I want you to be a part of that. There are so many thoughts and feelings tumbling around I feel as if I’m going slightly mad. I’ve gone on such an emotional rollercoaster over the last couple of months. Two months ago I was staid, sensible, ‘those crazy rock and roll days are behind me now, I don’t stay out after 10pm, not at my time of life, but hey in my day I knew how to party’. Sane, sorted, wise friend, provider of good advice, a warm and generous person to be relied upon to care about and care for those people who mattered to her - and even those that didn’t. Putting others first, in touch with her feelings. Knows herself well. Stable, minimal emotional baggage, have worked through it all in my time, thankyou. Duty first, committed absolutely to my family, my work. Responsible - can absolutely be relied upon to do what she says she’ll do.

Then - within a month - I’m rediscovering energy I haven’t had since my early twenties. I’m being grossly irresponsible - staying out late, burning the candle at both ends. I’m not putting the energy or emotional commitment into work that I was previously. I’m getting so wrapped up in what I’m doing, I’m forgetting to text R, forgetting my phone, not letting him know I’m safe, not paying him enough attention. But I’m having the most wonderful, fun time. I’m feeling as if I’ve got the wisdom of my thirties and the enthusiasm and energy I remember from the twenties. I’m enjoying going out socialising again, I’m making new friends every day, I’m taking pride in my appearance. I’m trying new things and enjoying them more than I ever dreamed of. I’ve having FUN for the first time in a very long time. I’m beginning to feel attractive for the first time in a very long time. I feel…INTERESTING. I’ve got a secret, and it’s very exciting. Everyone notices. I’m losing weight - I’m sleeping less - I’m moving differently and holding myself with pride. I’m having a really, really good time. I’ve met someone special. I’m falling in love.

I’m looking at the future, and for the first time in years, it looks appealing. I’m looking forward to things with excitement. I’m leaving work on time - or if I stay late, it’s because I’m IM’ing YOU, not because I’m working overtime and stressing about leaving before I’ve finished what I need to do. Or staying working overtime because R’s out/ won’t be back for a few hours, and I simply have nothing better to do. Instead, I’m rushing off, filled with excitement, looking forward to an evening spent meeting new people, or going out with you, or just going home and enjoying the peace because I’ve got other things to compare it with - I’m not just spending yet another evening on my own in the house, alone with the cats.

I’m changing, my life is changing. I feel adrift, not sure who I am. I feel clingy and needy and I don’t like it. You’ve broken down my defences, one by one, and I’m now incredibly vulnerable. All the layers of armour, all the walls that protect the fragile, over-sensitive self I hide away from everyone but R - they’re breaking and falling apart, and I feel as if I am, too. I’ve destroyed relationships before through being too needy, too fucked up, and I’m scared of it happening again. I could hold myself together far better - put some of the armour back, keep the walls up, but it’s difficult. Do I want to? Do you want me to? I let you hurt me until I sobbed with pain. If I put some of the walls back around my soul again, I’ll never be able to experience that release again - I wouldn’t let myself cry in front of you. I’m horrified by the idea that you might stay with me out of pity.

What I’m saying doesn’t invalidate the fact that you are going through a whirlwind, emotions upside down, big thing too. You’ve got loads of changes going on in your life, you’ve just as much going on as me. So please know that I acknowledge that, I’m just taking a moment out to think about how I’m feeling about things.

I’m fighting a passionate urge to withdraw from you so you can’t hurt me, you can’t crush the fragile butterfly emerging from this new me. Part of me wants to return to who I was before I ever met you, before I ever discovered the scene or anything else, and just carry on with my boring, reliable life. And yet more than this, more than anything, I feel this deep need to be with you - to move past this stage and get to the next, where I’m more settled, secure in your love, and you are secure in mine. I want to spend every free moment with you. But I can’t - for all sorts of reasons - and I’m going to get to spend even less time with you than I thought I would, this month. Perhaps I’m a hopeless optimist, but something in me believes that once all the layers of defences are finally scoured off, burnt away, then you’ll wrap my soul in fluffy, warm things, and I’ll emerge as something more beautiful than I ever was before. In the meantime though, I seem to be a complete bloody mess and if I can get through the day without crying, it’s a bloody miracle.

I don’t know. I just want to get back some equilibrium. I want everyone to be happy. I want to spend as much time as possible with you without pissing R off. I want to not go mental again. I want to not have this operation. I want to not have it during my busiest month at work. I want you to cane me until I cry again. I want that a lot. I don’t expect you would realise, but sunday would have been the last chance for us to play before my operation - in that way, at least. I think I told you yesterday - I am craving it. I see long hours, weeks, months, stretching out in front of me with little to look forward to, a lot of pain and stress, and not much to mitigate against that.

I don’t want to be behaving like this, I’d rather have a bit of dignity, but having voluntarily made myself vulnerable in so many different ways - risking rejection from meeting new people, all the socialising I’ve been doing (new people might hate me, I might offend people I’ve met and am spending time with), going out in public in short skirts, outfits that say ‘yeah, I wouldn’t wear this if I didn’t think I looked good (setting myself up for people thinking / telling me that I don’t look as good as I think I do), letting people see my body, my reactions, in public when I play (they might be disgusted, unimpressed, think badly of me) when I express my sexual desires, talk dirty, text you, email you, write about my adventures and my fantasies (might sound stupid, might be laughed at, might get reaction of disgust, disapproval, disbelief), shared my thoughts, my past, my music, my memories, my feelings, my body with you (whole bucket of ways I could be rejected by you, there). I’ve been so brave. It’s been so hard. Guess I see my time with you as a reward for that.