Struggling

Day 10 of my imprisonment. I'm actually struggling a bit right now, feeling really tearful for the first time since the first day. Thought it might help to write it down a bit.

Things that are pissing me off.
Trapped inside the house. Need sky and earth and wild sounds. Need to be turning the world under my feet. At the very least, sitting on the stairs of our house as I always do this time of year, savouring the change of seasons, taking in the scent of growing things.

Horny. Can't do anything about it. Frustrated.

Serious lack of anyone to hug me and tell me it's going to be the fuck okay because they are there for me and they're gonna look after me. N is away, and seriously, I have to withdraw a little. I feel myself becoming needy and clingy and I don't like it. I don't want to be dependent on her. She's too busy living the high life on holiday and when I think of asking more from her, for her support, a shoulder to cry on over the phone - it makes me feel more self-disgusted than I already am.

Yes, she was really there for me in practical terms when I needed her. Even if she did let me down a bit that sunday the day before the op, when I was on a serious come-down from play and the emotional highs/lows. Nobody's perfect. But yes, I was disappointed in her, then. But actually, I could wish she'd not been there, not seen the wound, because I just can't imagine she can ever see me as romantic, beautiful, attractive, ever again. I've only just begun to see myself as sexually desirable and beautiful - mainly because she's held up a mirror to me, and shown me how she sees me through her eyes. She's the one person who's made me feel pretty in so long - and now all I can imagine she sees, when she thinks of me, is a suppurating wound. Yeah, real sexy, Imp. Good one. I let her see what I'm really like inside, and she rejected me.