To submit or not to submit, that is the question...

I had a strange old experience last night, which has left me feeling kind of icky. I realised this morning, having slept on it, that part of the reason I feel squicked is because it's probably the most meaningless sexual encounter I've ever had, with people who I've not built up a connection with, who I don't even really fancy.

Which begs the question (which R put to me this morning), why on earth did you do it then?

Well, it's complicated (what ISN'T?). I initially approached BDG and MN in the context of wanting to get to know them - possibly for more than just friendship. As my understanding of my own desires and limits grew, I realised that being double dommed/ topped was a big fantasy of mine and something I wanted to make happen in reality. I started to wonder if they could be this couple as they were the first pair who I'd met who were interested in that, who I respected and could trust to respect me, and I liked as people. This was slightly hindered by the fact that I didn't actually fancy them that much, but then I'm often surprised how attractive I find people after time, once a bit of flirting and building of a connection has gone on, who I didn't find attractive initially. I had hoped that maybe something could develop.

I offered myself to MN for her rope practice, as I knew she was looking to do this. I went over there a month ago, and we had a discussion beforehand about what was and wasn't okay. I was self-conscious about taking my clothes off, but wanted to, in order to get into the spirit of things and fully enjoy the rope bunnying. She suggested introducing an element of play rather than it being all matter-of-fact rope practicing, to help reduce my embarrassment factor. I agreed, and so it started by being sensual and slow with her, with kissing and touching and nice things, and progressed onto BDG coming into the room later. He only touched me in order to help with the ropes, and I was comfortable with that. I enjoyed it, but in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, it didn't rock my world, and I was okay with it being a bit of fun, because it mostly felt like mucking about, not anything too serious or important.

There were things I wasn't entirely happy with, though. I told her beforehand I didn't want her to touch my pussy, and during play she did lightly touch me a couple of times there. I didn't say stop though - and the reason for that is complicated and I'm going to think/ write about that in a minute. She did say afterwards, 'I was a bit naughty, but I think you wanted me to' and I suppose I kinda did at the time, but what I want when I'm turned on and tied up is different from what I want in the cold light of day, and as I see it, it's the dominant's job to stick to the limits even if the sub is gagging for it, if the the domme's been plainly told 'no, I don't want you to do that', beforehand. Perhaps others see it differently though - after all, there is the whole 'pushing limits' thing etc etc, it's quite complicated this old business, isn't it? It's a fine line, we tread, sometimes...

I was unable to say afterwards, in reply to her 'I think you wanted me to' comment, that I wasn't happy, that I wished she hadn't. Again, I'm going to think/ write about why this might be, this in a bit.

I was ambivalent about playing with them again, but overall I did have a positive experience, and with an operation coming up in a few week's time, was keen to cram in as many positive play experiences before then. Also, and this is key - I want to please people. I know they wanted me to come over and play again, and I wanted to make them happy, because they've been nice to me.

Yes, I know I know I know. It's not like N hasn't told me a million times I don't owe people anything, and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. It's a character flaw of mine. I'll work on it.

I arranged to go over there last night, and I was under the impression that it would be a similar experience to the one before. We had a brief chat beforehand, but didn't discuss what sort of form play would take, or limits, apart from BDG asking if he could take some photos which I would then be able to look at and delete on the camera if I wanted to.

It started off quite slow and I was okay with that. Then things moved fairly quickly. Their domming style - at least with me - is that she directs the action, and although he's co-domming, she's the top dog. I'm happier with that than I would be if BDG was in charge. I did start to feel quite 'not happy' when they put a collar on me, but held my tongue because it's a fine line between genuinely 'stop that, I'm not okay with it' and being gently pushed into things which are not comfortable for you. MN's domming style is to do the thinking for the sub - 'you're thinking for yourself again, aren't you', she'll say. 'Let me do the thinking for you, just relax, I'll look after you'.

Once I've opened up that side of my personality, once I start to submit, it's very difficult for me to stop without a REALLY good reason. I can't just switch it on and off.

I started to get more and more moments of OMG OMG OMG I'n naked in a room with two people and they're doing THINGS to me and I don't even know them properly and they're not even my friends. We're aquaintances, and I'd like to be friends with them, but we're not yet. It didn't feel like practicing my religion, engaging in a physico-spiritual experience, just kind of icky.

I've always thought that guilt and ickiness were big turn ons for me. Last night I learned that, while they might be, in the right context, or with the right person, or in my fantasies, they certainly weren't last night. I stopped enjoying things once I started feeling really guilty.

I had a blindfold on, and I was thinking, hang on - is that HIS hand? Is he touching my breasts? Cos that is a hard limit which R and I have agreed - I won't let another man touch my knockers. And I was trying not to think, as instructed, but but but....

Then later, when I could see, I opened my eyes and yes, he was. I wasn't really thinking coherently at this stage, but I didn't enjoy him touching me, I felt really guilty, I should have said something earlier but I can't say anything now, etc etc etc. I wish this would stop now and I could just go home. Just relax and try and enjoy the bits you can enjoy, I said to myself.

I also felt uncomfortable with some of the things MN was doing. I didn't mind her stroking my clit, but I didn't want her fingering me - that's for N only, right now, and I barely know MN anyway. Plus - I've got my period, and there was no way I wanted to discuss that beforehand.

So I tried to indicate my wiggling away, and she kept trying every now and again but mostly respected it, but I couldn't relax, what if she did it all of a sudden? But I couldn't say out loud, don't do that. I kept making my 'not happy' frown face (not on purpose I might add), and every time I did, MN would say to BDG, 'that's not such a pretty face, is it?!' then when I relaxed she'd say 'that's a much prettier face'. She'd said to me the first time we played, in our pre-play discussion, she feels as if she's failed if someone has to use their safe word, because she's not reading them well enough. All these things contributed to my 'not letting people down, wanting to please' state of mind.

MN was using the hitachi wand on me, and the physical sensation combined with the weird head-space meant I could have had an orgasm - but I resisted and didn't, because I only want N to have that. I opened my eyes and realised BDG was holding the wand on me, and I was really, really not happy with that. I didn't explicitly say beforehand, you're a man, you can't hold a vibrator on me, and it was sticking to the letter of my 'a man can't touch my pussy' limit, but not to the spirit of it. But you can't go through ALL the millions of possibilities in discussion beforehand, saying whether or not they're okay, can you? Anyway, I semi-safeworded at that point (semi because she doesn't actually USE proper safewords) and we very quickly wound down.

I felt so guilty, and the reality dawned that I'd have to tell R that I'd broken the promise I'd made to him that I wouldn't let another man touch my breasts. I felt sickened to my stomach and I was shaking so hard it was actually making me feel freaked out. I lay down on the sofa because I felt faint.

MN sent BDC out of the room and we discussed what had gone wrong. She said I definitely hadn't told her that BDG touching my breasts would be a hard limit, and I am sure that's true. I know she read my profile carefully, and she thought she understood what I was looking for. She blamed herself for not checking carefully, and we talked about how it was very hard, a fine line to tread between respecting people's limits and pushing them. I take full responsibility because I should have explicitly outlined what was, and what wasn't okay. I also should have safeworded earlier, but this seems to be a really difficult thing for me.

I thought, once I talked to R, and told him what happened, I'd feel better. And I did - too an extent. He was marvellous - he really came through for me. He totally understood how it had happened, and he was even empathising for BDG and feeling sorry for him! Bloody hell, he's just great, just bloody great, I am so lucky.

I also needed to speak to N, as I had some guilt there too - I felt I'd gone further with MN than I should have, as if I was cheating on N, and I needed her to know what happened. Even though that was all in my head and couldn't be further from the truth - N might not in an ideal world want me to play with others, but I know she doesn't want her feelings on that to affect what I do, limit my journey of exploration. N knew that I'd gone there to play, but I needed to talk to her about what had happened.

I thought once I'd done those two things, in that order, that I'd feel fine, but actually - I didn't. I feel anxious and with a sort of low-key panicky feeling today that could develop into a big one if I'm not careful. I will coast through the rest of the day, keep my blood sugar stable as much as possible, try and chill out, write this entry to help me think, get an early night, avoid upsetting/ stressful trigger factors today.

Lessons wot I have dun learnt from this experience:

1) always always always explicitly explain my limits. At least twice. And in writing.

2) if I really can't get my head around safewording early enough, then change the situations I play in:

3) for a while at least, if I'm going to play with any unknown quantities, specifically couples or men, only do it either at a club (where I go less deeply into the d/s dynamic), or if it's in private, N to be present. I've discussed this with her and she's going to look after me. Honestly, I don't know why I don't bloody well just give up on playing with anyone else, it always seems to go tits up (except with A, which was a laugh) BUT it's all experiential learning and nothing actually really bad or traumatic has happened, even during the not-so-positive experiences.

4) While I'm still keen to try the couple thing again, this has made me really wary. I realise that the pre-play stuff is almost as important to me as the play - the flirting, the 'will we won't we', the chase. The building of a connection and a feeling that I care about these people and they care about me. Play as an expression of affection for each other.

5) MN and BDC's style wouldn't be my cup of tea even if I did fancy the arse off them. They're not rough enough, they don't yank me about, I want more physical throwing about to be involved rather than piss-arsing about with ropes and complicated knots. This is the sort of stuff you learn during that build up period.

I had planned to go to club XS with them on friday, but this morning I emailed them and said thanks but not thanks, and explained I don't want to play with them again, although I'd like to keep in touch as friends.

I got a bit of an upsetting email this afternoon from MN saying that I hadn't been honest with them, and that's when things can go wrong. I don't know how she felt I hadn't been honest, but I can't help but feel I've fucked things up.