Betrayal

I am just letting off a bit of steam, so no big deal.

But I'm really shocked. I was logging into IC earlier when another profile name came up - and I quickly realised R must have made a profile. I logged in as myself and went to look at it, and the profile was blank but found he's posted this:

"Hi, my names Mo and I'm not the usual board member I'm the wife of a BDSMer and looking for advice/support for myself!

I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have had mild Bondage roleplays before but recently he has become really involved in clubs/events which I have given my blessing to as it is not really my thing but I did not want him to feel frustrated or denied being able to explore this side of his nature.

However I still have worries, that:

a) He wants to try lots of new things.. what if he goes too far one night or wants to go further sexually than I am happy with (yes I know oral or full male-female sex generally never happens at most BDSM clubs but theres always what goes on behind closed doors..)

b) what if he gets bored with the sexual relationship we have together or merely indulges me out of a sense of obligation? or simply doesn't have the interest or energy for it after being out at his clubs and meetings?

c) What if he simply becomes too attached to someone (possibly younger and prettier than myself) who shares his interests in bondage and all things BDSM? I do fear that it will lead us apart one day.

While I have given him my blessing it dosn't mean I don't feel the stirrings of jealously or resentment sometimes, even if we have an agreement and it is all very above board.

Any advice or support would be great, thanks."

(obviously he has changed many of the factual details to protect the guilty)

I waited until he came home and asked if we could have a chat about things. I explained that I'd come across it and wanted to talk - asked him how he was feeling now, and we had a good full and frank discussion. Prefixed all my statements with 'I feel' and calmly and collected explained that I was quite upset and felt a bit betrayed, I've gone to a lot of trouble to be completely honest with him after all, and I expect the same in return.

I do so enjoy other people offering un-asked for advice (un-asked for by me, at least), about our relationship of 13 years. It's not as if I have regular, totally open and honest discussions with him, and beg him to tell me all his thoughts and feelings on an almost-daily basis, or anything like that.

R has said several times that he doesn't really want to go to a club or munch with me - he wouldn't like the music, he hates meeting/ talking to new people, he's totally uninterested in it sexually, and would get bored by midnight and want to go home. And if I wanted him there, I'd damn well invite him. It would be like going to a bellydancing workshop with him - he'd know nothing about it, have no interest in it, it would embarrass and inhibit me to dance in front of him, I wouldn't enjoy myself, and neither would he. I'd be constantly worried about him being bored or getting pissed off, and I'd have a crap time.

If anyone tells me I really ought to tell R how angry I feel, then they can fuck off, because they don't understand the dynamic between us. He knows I'm not happy about it, and what purpose would it solve to shout and scream at him, just to make myself feel better? I'll feel like a cunt, he'll probably be really hurt, so what's the point? I just need to vent about it a bit because I am FUCKING PISSED OFF.

it makes me feel like it's some guilty little secret, some dirty nasty thing I'm trying out. And if ONE MORE CUNTING BASTARD tells me how lucky I am to have such a kind, considerate, understanding husband, and how grateful I should be, I WILL GO INTO FUCKING ORBIT.

YES, I am extremely lucky, yes I am grateful, yes he is considerate and kind and understanding. Tell me something I don't know, fuckers. I've been telling everyone who will listen how special he is since we got together. But has anyone thought how it might make me feel to be told this over and over and over again? and does anyone bother to add 'and of course he's lucky too'? OH NO. Heavens forfend.

I should be SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL because of course, being a faithful wife for 13 years to the point of not even looking at other men or finding them attractive for the majority of that time, not doing a single thing without discussion and consent from him first, looking after his wellbeing, the household, our finances, the housework, making friends for us both, organising our lives, keeping him healthy, always always always putting his needs first - that's just expected of me, right? I should be so so so fucking grateful that he's allowing me to become a fulfilled person and just once, just for this one thing, ask for something all my own which isn't driven by someone else's needs.

And instead everyone's like 'you're so lucky, I hope you're suitably grateful, you should really appreciate him' and I DO, but you know what? Don't I deserve to have this? Because the subtext of the whole 'you're so lucky' thing is that I'm somehow getting more than is due to me. Because I'm just some kind of fucking cunt and don't deserve to have my needs met, don't need anything for my own self, am being incredibly selfish and should be super-grateful that I'm being allowed to indulge myself like this. Well thanks. No really. I just love to be made to feel like shit, it rules.

So I should just carry on, sleepwalking through life, repressing every ounce of sexual desire, losing my energy, my sparkle, myself. And then, this happens, and it feels right, and beautiful, and spiritual, and satisfying and fulfilling. But it's not natural and right and beautiful apparently, I'M SO LUCKY AND I SHOULD BE SO GRATEFUL that he's letting me. As if my body doesn't belong to me. As if I don't have the right to have anything good. Well, do you know what? JUST FUCK OFF. JUST FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK.

STOP FUCKING TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! STOP FUCKING TELLING ME TO BRING R ALONG TO MUNCHES AND CLUBS WITH ME! I don't WANT him there! It would RUIN it for me. But oh no, R's feelings must come first always and always and screw mine. The fact that I would feel intimated and embarrassed and unable to be sexual when he's there is obviously far unimportant in comparison to how he needs to be reassured. HOW DARE I HAVE NEEDS OF MY OWN???!!! Never mind what I want, even this tiny piece of my life I have carved out for myself, a space I'd hoped to make where I could have a little bit of 'me-time' and not have to think about putting other people first, is apparently being invaded by every other fucker who I've connected with who seems determined to put R first. Thanks guys.

why the fuck should I ever get anything good anyway? Obviously i'm just some sort of selfish cunt who doesn't deserve it. FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHRFUCKING DOG SEMEN STAINED PIECES OF SHIT.

/end venting. Will go off and have cathartic cry and will feel better soon.