First Steps

[These are some extracts taken from an email I wrote, after going to my first munch in February. Someone I met there put me in touch with a domme, S, and I poured my heart out by email, there was so much ready to be said, things I’d been yearning for, I was like a pool of water that someone had just dumped a load of baking soda into, fizzing and exploding and unable to return to my former stillness.]

Thanks for getting in touch. Crikey, it’s difficult to know where to start! Well, first of all, let me tell you a bit about myself so as to start discovering whether we find each other appealing. I’m 32, bi female, have long blonde dreadlocks, an hourglass, rather voluptuous figure, and am a kind of lapsed goth.

My loving family and friends are the centre of my life. My husband, R, is aware and happy for me to explore my sexuality, as long as I don’t overstep certain bounds e.g. making out with another man.

I am bombarded with requests to help people all day, and when I go home, I am running the household, sorting out problems, and generally being in control of what’s going on. And that’s fine, I like it that way - I like helping people, I get great pleasure from small acts of kindness to others, and making people happy is important to me. I can be a bit bossy, rarely lose my temper, but if backed into a corner I’ll fight back. I’m fundamentally a gentle natured person, though.

I’m pagan, and mainly express this through the way I treat others, and becoming the best person I can possibly be. The word used most often to describe me is ’sweet’ - although I’m working on that - I’d prefer ’sultry’!

I consider myself a work in progress - I think I probably know myself pretty well, and although my life so far has not always been plain sailing (has anyone’s?) I’ve got minimal emotional baggage.

I’ve had some great experiences in my life, I treat anything I’m afraid of as something to be pursued until I’ve subdued it….had drunken fumblings with pretty girls…

…and yet…

there is a part of me that longs to be treated firmly but gently, bent to another’s will, and I’m not just going to roll over for any person who tells me to - that person’s got to be pretty special and able to earn my respect. I can’t remember the last time someone kissed me thoroughly and with expertise…er….or at all…

I’m normally so sure of everything in my life - and thought I’d had a fairly wild life and was fairly unshockable. When you hang around with a bunch of filthy minded goths, you think you’ve seen it all. Hah! I went along to a munch with a friend of mine, A. That was an eye-opener, and no mistake! I found myself feeling very uncertain, unsure of the correct etiquette, embarrassed about admitting to the
fantasies and needs I have. Too shy to say that what I wanted was someone to choose ME rather than the other way round - to flirt with ME and respond to them with trembling, wide-eyed breathlessness. For an experienced woman, sexually dominant, to take me home and use me, bind me, perhaps command me despite initial resistance to further and deeper levels of perversion…to lose my hard won control…to be
vulnerable…

[I never did get to meet up with S. She was very busy at the time and missed the window of opportunity in which I was looking for a one-to-one play with a single female.

Here’s an extract from an email I sent to my friend A, which is quite indicative of my state of mind, at the time]

I’ve had no reply to either messages, and am just thinking…did I do something wrong? Or is this some sort of weird domme thing, to make you wait ages for an answer? I sent a picture - maybe she just doesn’t think I’m pretty…Only..ever since sunday, I’ve thought about nothing else. I’m even off my food and sleep, which for me, is nothing short of an Event!

I feel as if a door which has been closed my whole life, has suddenly opened, and I’m on the verge of tasting something so life enhancing and wonderful but at the same time, is about to slip out of my fingers. Is this normal, to feel so intensely about it?

Please forgive this if I am being a pain in the ass asking these questions, only I feel a bit lost in the wilderness, and don’t have anyone else to ask for advice. What if I never find anyone who can help me meet my needs? I am also a bit drunk and would normally never email you like this, but I’ve just come back from the pub! Sorry!

[Fortunately A, and a lovely chap, G, who I met at the munch, kept me on the straight and narrow and stopped me from freaking out TOO much.]